The Outcast

I went out with some lasses from work last night, as my Mum likes to say. She is happy for me! as she feels I'm acting normally now. She rang my Auntie to tell her the news.

There weren't many people about as it was Sunday, but we still had fun. We wandered about to different places and anyway, we ended up in this Night Club that played 'house' music. It was filled with fit birds and sexy lads and I started wondering the big questions in life such as, what is the point of existence? It felt like a place I didn't belong. The music was so loud it hurt, it was really smokey, and I felt sick. However, I think that might have partly been because we went to an 'All You Can Eat' restaurant beforehand.

It was quite nice to be socializing though since this is the second time I've been 'out' after spending ages in my room, hiding and crying.

Speaking of crying, I was upset on and off all of Friday afternoon as I read this really good book that annoyingly had to end. It was called 'The Outcast', it was the saddest and loveliest. I'm mentioning it as it was about a boy who had a turbulent experience in his childhood,

his Mum drowned in a river, and he was left to live with his father who was quite cold to him, and then soon got a stepmother who lost patience with his awkwardness. He wasn't a bad person but did things the society around him thought was bad - and I suppose people today would too - he also self-harmed which I don't think was understood in the fifties and so it was another thing to judge him by and be annoyed about why he did it.

But it takes you all through his childhood up until the age of nineteen when he finally, not really by his own choice, gets to break free from his past. Even though the protagonist did 'bad' things and was disliked by people who were around him not once do you ever dislike him, you can only feel empathy.

It changed my outlook on people. It really got across the idea that the people you meet in the moments you experience with them aren't so abstract. They come with miles of different experience, thoughts, ups and downs, that lead them to behave the way they do in that very moment you are with them. It makes me feel less judgmental towards people and only want to attempt to understand and empathize with them, because who knows what they have been through.

I really like being around children and babies (This is related). Even though I'm not good with babies as they are very demanding and temperamental. I'm not very authoritative or anything, but I find their company can be so enjoyable. They're innocent and just learning what life is all about. The world they are growing up in now will shape the adults they will become.

I look at adults and some you want to keep away from or just dislike, and I try and remember that they were a child once learning all about the world and how they belong in it, and maybe they grew up in a world where they had to harden themselves and develop different strategies or defense mechanisms in order to survive in it. It's hard to think about that I think, as a child seems so far away when you look at a fully formed adult, they are almost like 2 different creatures.

PS I know there are people who had great lives who are really mean and annoying anyway!

Accepting Jesus Christ into your heart.

I bumped into someone today from the dementia centre who volunteers there. I told him I was seeing a psychologist as I have a problem with anxiety. He seemed interested and non-judgmental but then started saying if I accept Jesus Christ into my heart then my problems will disperse, I'll be looked after. I'll be safe and sound.

He said he has gone down the wrong paths in the past and rejected God and then returned and Christ is the only way to happiness. People are drinking, doing drugs, etc for distractions, it's their medication because of spiritual unhappiness.

I felt uncomfortable with the idea of accepting Jesus. I used to believe in him a while ago but now it seems peculiar I ever did think that. I used to pray a lot when I was younger, that was because of anxiousness and loneliness and I was looking for solace. I'm not sure it actually helped. I think it was a psychological thing - believing someone is out there looking after you is comforting. I've not needed to do that since my mental health has improved and I feel I've grown out of it. God was like my invisible friend looking out for me. I feel more independent and more at peace in being alone now though.

My friend looked happy, content and full of purpose because of his religion. If he is happy because of this, then this can't be bad. It can't be bad stuff if he's happy inside his head, regardless of whether it is true or not.

He feels counsellors and psychologists and medication and things like that can't really help. They can to an extent but it's about your relationship with Jesus at the end of the day. I was annoyed by the idea of that, that my mental health is to do with loving Jesus rather than a result of my experiences. I'm also deciding whether to go into mental health nursing and this whole branch of nursing must be pointless and redundant if everyone with mental suffering are wayward who need to find their path to righteousness.

I am accepting of other people's beliefs though. I'm happy that he feels happiness from what he is believing. I can't just accept something I can't feel though.

I was thinking that if God was by chance created then there is every chance that the earth happened just by chance too.

Me and My Mum

I read this blog and the lady who writes it mentions the documentary that Tony Robinson made called 'Me and My Mum' which you can see here. I have just watched it as I am interested in dementia and the care of the elderly.

It was insightful seeing how people who have Alzheimer's affects their children and family.

I volunteer at a dementia centre. The attenders who come to the centre aren't as bad as Tony's Mum though and many can have conversations and some are physically able with just minor mobility problems. What makes it easy for me and I suspect the people who run the centre, and the other volunteers is the fact we are so detached. They are really cared for at the centre, but we have only known these people whilst they have had the dementia, this is who they are to us.

I don't know what it's like to witness someone you love disintegrate and crumble away, with fragments of the person still there or just sometimes there.

People say 'I don't want to end up in an old people's home' and then carry on with their lives, I do it too. But there are people in homes now who don't want to be in them. But like Tony said, no one seems really bothered about that. There are other options such as caring for your parents yourself. I can only imagine that this is a very intense thing, living with them and their illness for 24 hours a day and so a home seems a relief and a comfort even if it just basically keeping them in existence.

The documentary focused on Tony's experiences and feelings about it as his Mum couldn't even communicate. But it must be extremely difficult for the person who has it as well. People don't always understand dementia and even though they will know it's not the person's fault - I can imagine people get frustrated with them for their lack of memory, repetitiveness and confusion. But I think the person with dementia can feel lonely as it is a disability and they can't do what they once did and be as social and active. They are still the person they always was, they still have their hearts, it is just that something is destroying their minds and they have no control

From what I've witnessed at the centre, people can get anxious, distressed and confused. Wondering where they are and if they will ever go home. The dementia centre is such a warm and accepting environment though that it is a place that they can be themselves without feeling judged and all the volunteers and workers are really lovely and supportive and don't patronize people for their illness.

I think that is quite important as one of my biggest fears is being treat like a child and patronized, especially after having decades of adulthood. It must be an isolating and lonely thing.

I must also say a lot of the time the attenders are quite happy and a lot of them say how much they enjoy coming as a lot of fun does happen!

It seems a tricky subject, where I have lots of thoughts in my head about it but I'm not sure how to express them

Hospikal

I've started volunteering at the hospital. It's a good experience being on a ward, as the last time I was in hospital was for an hour or two when my niece was born. I am only a helper and so I don't have any important jobs to do, but I have been making beds and cleaning things and filling things up and helping give meals out.

It's a really big hospital and my ward is near the very top - I actually walked up to it today and it took me about 15 minutes and I had to stop to keep getting my breath back! It was visiting time and I didn't feel like going in a packed lift.

It's not like Casualty or Holby City. Everything is very slow and quiet. The odd beep, phone call, the squeak of the refreshment trolley. I think I was quite surprised by that as even though the current job I have - working on the checkouts in a supermarket - isn't as responsible - It seems far more intense although there is less skill involved! My job is constant and there is no let up, you can't walk away or anything, and your breaks are very strict and you have to be back pronto after them, whereas in this ward they go for numerous breaks and sit about often.

I have to say I've noticed this of the domestic assistants, support workers, etc, but not of the nurses but they sit at the main reception desk thing.

I really am enjoying myself there but I feel like a spare part as there isn't really much I can do. I feel eager to do more. I talk to the patients and I feel like I really want to care for them. The majority of patients are elderly. I sort of have an overprotectiveness of the elderly as I know they can be ignored and uncared about. I'm not saying that happens on this ward, but I just feel like I have more to give than tidying up. Hm.

I'm hoping to apply for University this September for nursing but I am still making my mind up which branch I want to go into-It's a scary decision as it will affect the rest of my life.

Nite Out

I went out into town on Saturday which was my first proper night out ever.

It's strange as I used to find it annoying people going on about being drunk like it's an achievement but when you're drunk you think you're so cool and unique and invincible. I went to the 80s bar called Reflex. I also did highly impressive things like dancing with strangers and falling flat on my back, which I will make sure to add to my CV and which I should also mention is extremely unlike me.

It's strange how you just want to tell people. It's like the most amazing thing ever. No inhibitions or anything.

It is a bit cringe-worthy to think back as I was boogieing on down in a room where no one else was dancing...but it just felt so right at the time. I went out about 8pm and then five minutes later it was 2am! I came home with an achey head and I ached all over the following day as I danced the night away but I want to go out and do it again and again.

It's also brilliant being with your own species who also lose their inhibitions too. I think being with other humans is so important..it really makes you feel alive.

Llandudno

I have just returned from the little victorian town, Llandudno. My sister came with us at the last minute and I'm really glad she did as I think I would have felt quite isolated as we were the youngest in the hotel and, it seemed, the youngest in Llandudno, as the tourists seem to all look over seventy.

I enjoy pursuits with the older generation as I go to a centre for people with dementia and I also have just started volunteering on a hospital ward for the elderly, and I find the people I've come across' company really lovely from my experiences, but in Llandudno I was starting to feel really self conscious and like I am living the wrong kind of life with the wrong generation!

I have mostly shopped til I dropped and eaten til I exploded on this holiday. I've also been experimenting with different drinks too, which is unusual for me as I never drink really! I also did a bit of dancing to the hotel entertainment, which was fun, I didn't mind as again everyone on the dance floor was 70+.

Here are a few photographs I've taken of my holiday:

I didn't take as many as I liked. The thing is I have a DSLR camera and it's starting to become a pain to carry during leisurely activities as it's not like I can fit it in my handbag.

ALSO something really annoying happened - I was walking along, eating a sandwich and a seagull swooped down and nicked it out of my hand!! I dislike seagulls now.

Overall, I've had fun...I am going 'down town' on Saturday night, which is a scary prospect..I'm hoping it will be a positive experience in making contact with people more my own age.

Blue Roses

Blue Roses is a singer and songwriter from Bradford. She's really, really good at writing and singing songs. She has this pure enchanting voice, and it's funny, as when she talks it's quite a broad Yorkshire accent. I'm not saying that's bad as I like enchanting voices and broad Yorkshire accents in equal measure. I originally discovered her on Myspace Music over a year ago. She's recently released her self-titled debut album and I highly recommend it if you like guitary dreamy folky lovely-ness, which I know isn't everyone's slice of cake

http://www.myspace.com/musicofblueroses

www.musicofblueroses.com

Deery Me

Today I went to Beauchief and managed to take a few photographs of the deer there. They look really peaceful creatures and there were bambi's running around too but I didn't manage to take any of them!

I've been experimenting and I think they look really striking in sepia tone. This might become a habit where I think the whole world looks better in sepia.

There are a few more pictures on my Flickr page.

Animalism

I went to the National Media Museum a few weeks ago which is located in Bradford in West Yorkshire - it is well-known for the Imax Cinema. There was a photography exhibition on called 'Animalism'. I really enjoyed this exhibition. It was a variety of different photographers work. I really like animals- I think they are amazing to see aesthetically and in nature.

There was something written on the wall of the exhibition which made me think:

'Our visually driven society tends to give animals human characteristics to make them seem more like us. This exhibition, however, considers the animal gaze and the ways in which animals see us, quite simply, as other animals, rather than distinctly and uniquely human.' 

I do that. I can really only understand my own mind and the way humans think - not in a scientific way - just the way we all can. I don't really understand what animals are 'thinking'. I know they run on instinct but I do tend to see animals to be like myself. 

There are two cats that live in the area that come and visit the house. When I walk past them in the street and they are alone I feel like they might be experiencing loneliness. I see their life and I feel like it is lonely because I know they like attention and being fussed over. I've been lonely before and I feel like if I was in their position, I would feel unhappy. Yes this is ridiculous. I don't think animals feel loneliness but I still feel a pang in my stomach. I don't like to see them sitting alone.

I dislike birds in cages and I feel sad when I see leads digging into dog's necks because they want to run so fast but can't. Dogs needs to be on leads for their safety in the man-made world and so they don't run away, and I think dogs might actually like leads and feeling like they have an owner but many dogs want to run so fast and never get the chance.

I'm probably sounding insane now. I just tend to empathize with animals from a human's point of view.

Here are a few images that were in the exhibition by the photographer Pieter Hugo called 'THE HYENA AND OTHER MEN' and I as a person who likes to see fluffy lil animals looking cute n hapi found this quite haunting and brutal:

P.S  The exhibition is running til the 27th of September.  CLICK HERE for more information.

New Lens

I have recently bought a new lens and I am really impressed with it. It is a Tamron 70-300mm and has a 1:2 macro function. This means I can take pictures of things from quite a distance away and also focus very close up on things like flowers. It's great for capturing tiny details sometimes missed with my other lens. I feel slightly rude because I take pictures of flowers and then am not sure what they are called. Same with birds. I have a book about British wildlife to help though.

Here are a few photographs I've taken with the lens:

I included the photograph of the blurry bird as I think it would have been a good image if only it was in focus! I just wasn't quick enough fiddling with the camera and then it had flown away.

Eyes of a Child

I, like everyone, was once a child but the feelings and perceptions that I had as a child have gone.  I see the world from an 'adult''s perspective now.

I find it fascinating but perplexing the way children see things.  It's hard for me to even describe what that might be.  It's more of a vague notion or like looking at something but having to squint my eyes to see it properly.  

I was playing with my 5 year old neice in the garden today and we were playing with her toy gardening tools and I was using the rake and she said I was using it wrong, and I responded 'I don't know everything'  and she said 'But you're 20'.  

It made me think about how when I was a small child I didn't question the authority of adults and assumed they knew best.  It was almost like the adults were a different species to us children,  living beside us as we were living in another world of toys coming to life, games, father christmas and tooth fairies. 

I remember once I slept in the middle of my parents in their bed as I was afraid of the tooth fairy coming into my room.  And on a separate occasion I lost my tooth in the school playground, so I wrote a letter and put it under my pillow, telling the tooth fairy where I had lost it and asking can I still have the cash please.  Things that are magical are so easy to believe when little.  I remember that believing in something that you can't see is an exciting thing when a child.  

I played with dolls and little characters when I was younger, and set up different scenarios for them - I enjoyed doing this as it felt real to me.  If I were to do this now I wouldn't get any pleasure from it, but when I was a child each game I made up was like becoming engrossed in a favorite film - you feel you are there and believe it is happening.  

It's one of the things that make children so special and fun, the fact that they act naturally and behave in a more natural and free sort of way.  The only people who will truly know what the child can see is the child themselves, but it would be nice to feel what it is like once more. 

The Animal Farm

Last week I went to Graves Park with my college friend to take some pictures of the surroundings. We ended up spending all of our time in the animal farm.  It was the first time I've been to this park which is a shame really as it is only 15 minutes away with a car.

There are a wide variety of creatures living in the farm and it was a joy to be around other species of animals.  I didn't take pictures of the ducks for some reason, but I felt sad for them as they were in a pen but there was no pond.  I do hope that they have some swimming arrangements sorted as it seems unnatural - ducks without water.

I liked the inquisitive goat, however I wasn't sure whether it's okay to stroke them as I'm not sure if they are known for biting..or not..?  I also saw a lone chicken flapping about and motioning her head back and forward.  I saw some pigeons sitting on a roof too.  All in all, a fun and interesting day.  

Emotional Learning

A young Mum and Dad came to my till whilst I was working. They looked angry, bitter and short tempered. They had two children who they kept shouting at and telling them to shut up and behave, they had vicious voices, when I wasn't really sure what the children were doing. I even heard him tell his girlfriend to "shut the fuck up" at one point. All they bought were a load of Pot Noodles and various other readymade stuff. It's only a snapshot of that family but it has been lingering on my mind for a while.

It just makes me wonder what kind of environment the children are growing up in if they talk to their children and each other like that. I haven't had children myself, but I think some people must think just keeping the children alive is all that is necessary for parenthood. They're burdens and you just have to drag them through the days with you. That children aren't precious beings, they own them and can do what they like with them - they did make them after all.

I was thinking that in many deprived areas children do tend to have behaviour problems and have pasttimes of crime and smoking and no aspirations. I think one thing that may help is if they had "emotional learning" classes in school. I don't think a few classes about the birds and the bees is very good. I remember I had only one lesson on it where I was given a carrot and a condom and left to my own devices, then we watched a 30 minute VHS about it too. So many girls in my year at school have their own kids now and quite a few girls were pregnant in year 11 at school.

If in schools it was as compulsory as P.E to have weekly or monthly classes about all aspects of relationships, emotions, life, then I think it would be helpful, as with many families at home their parents don't have the skills to teach them such things.

Relationships and emotions are the centre of us as human beings, so it should be considered important enough to explore in schools.

Better out than in

Six breadcakes (Or "bread rolls" I think they are called if you aren't from Yorkshire-y areas...!)
A pile of chips
Two Magnums (the icecreams, not weapons. However ammo probably would have been the healthier option)

I feel gluttonous. Reading the words make me feel sick.

I have a strange relationship with food. All my life I have stuffed it into my mouth until I've felt sick and everyday is always the planned day that I will never eat badly ever again. Weight Watchers is more like a revolution in my life than a healthy eating plan as it has changed the way I am with food. Well it has curbed my habits with food. I need someone to be watching over me, and someone to report to weekly about my eating habits, otherwise I will descend into unhealthy eating and then my weight will ascend.

The way I lust after food worries me. Before I take my first few bites, I think it's the best thing I could possibly do and will make me happier than anything. It follows with guilt and thoughts of self-loathing.

Yet I still continue.

I enjoy Weight Watchers as I can eat most things and feel guilt free. I do get hungry, and long for chocolate sometimes but I am still carrying on with it.

I think the important thing with losing weight is persistance. One of the things that puts people off attending the weigh-in is if they have put weight on and have to face their gain on the scales in front of someone. I find this helpful as it gives me a reality check and helps regain my motivation. You have to accept that some weeks will be "bad" and you might "go off track". If you can accept this will happen, and you might go a few steps back from time to time, it's easier to carry on ahead.

I was just over 13 stone when I began my new way of eating and I'm around 10 and a half stone now...it does feel like a burden has lifted but also like I have a long way to go, and this struggle with food and the desire to eat and eat, will be with me for life...so I guess I will be attending Weight Watchers for a very long time.

Little Rat

Like pigeons, rats are considered vermin in society. They go all over the place scavaging for food. I took this photograph of a dead rat and showed it to my Mum but she didn't have sympathy because it's "vermin".

I think if a rat jumped upto me and viciously attacked me, and I ran down the street and it still didn't stop chasing me, I'd have less sympathy with this particular rat and have reservations when coming across other rats and probably write a blog post about the Horrible Rats.

But that hasn't happened and from my experience they scurry about, keeping out of people's way, living the life that was thrust upon them as best that they can, like all creatures.

I suppose if they were inhabiting in your home they would be a nuisance. I haven't personally lived in a "rat infested" home luckily, and if I did I probably would resort to a mouse trap, or the least painful thing out there if there is anything. Apparently they are covered in disease, it makes my argument to like rats a bit more difficult, but still, it's only because of their life as outsiders they are like this-what they have inside them and covering them is horrible, but they aren't malicious.

I may be hypocritical with my sympathy as when it comes to insects inside my house and things like that I want the motherfuckers dead. I do try and waft insects out of a window if possible and I'm not really bothered about wood lice and things like that as they can't hurt me.

However, once when I was sleeping in my sister's new house in New Zealand I awoke in the middle of the night to find the wall covered in ants. I spent the rest of the night upset and scared, trying to lay as still as possible..the next morning they were all over the walls in the house, in the cupboards, on the floor..it was really horrible. I had no empathy for them then, I just cared about a non-infested house and being able to sleep peacefully.

I suppose, in conclusion, I don't mind rats as long as they keep out of my way, and all other non-cute, non-sociable creatures which they have done so far.

Err

as I was waiting in a queue in the supermarket I was shocked at what I heard...it was very busy and a man and woman stood in the queue behind me but then they noticed the cashier was asian and when the woman saw she said oh god a paki baki (whatever that means), the man asked her if she wanted to move to another till and they did, even though the queue on the other till was longer.

It sounded like she had such hate and prejudice over this person because of his ethnic origin.

It's a strange world.

Never Can Say Goodbye

If there has been one musician who has been significant in my life it is Michael Jackson. I've been a really big fan ever since I was a little girl. I used to watch the film "Moonwalker" all the time, I also had videos of him in concert, and knew every album and every word off by heart.

I used to imagine Michael was my special invisible friend, and I was the only one who could see him. He would come and visit me in the playground at school...Those daydreams were quite comforting to me when I was little as I didn't really have friends but I felt close to Michael. I think I spent a large part of my childhood daydreaming about things like that!

I like how his songs are about a variety of things as many singers seem to like writing about love and how they love someone and how they no longer love someone but he had many different angles on love...for example...

Billie Jean (A woman who is claiming he impregnated her and now she has his child.)


Ben (About the profound love between boy and rat)


Dirty Diana (About a woman forcing herself sexually on MJ)

I thought I would share some of my favourite songs but these are my favourite songs of the moment, so may change from time to time:


Never Can Say Goodbye








Get On The Floor


Can't Help It


They Don't Care About Us


Who is it?


Dangerous





I feel sorry for Michael Jackson when it comes to the media as nobody seems to take into account he is probably very messed up and suffering psychologically. It has been said he had a very harsh childhood and has had nothing but a life which is alien to the majority of humans. The media just use the vaguely humorous phrase "wacko jacko" which doesn't take into account all the problems he clearly has....

It's a free world

I watched a film the other day called "it's a free world..." which was directed by Ken Loach. It was an interesting and thought provoking film about a woman setting up her own recruitment agency for foreign workers, but it was quite bitter in places.

We live in a multi-cultural society, but I feel like there is a divide between British people and people from other countries. I live in an area where there is a large population of non-British people, but generally these people all live together in the same area and Us British live in all the other local places. When I was at school I had a few foreign friends but I could feel the divide and differences, like they felt they had to keep themselves to themselves..which was a shame really.

"Illegal immigrants" and even "immigrants" is such a harsh word/phrase. It creates images of people wanting to 'use our benefits' and who want a free ride. It doesn't connote the individual and their life and situation.

I've found from personal experience people tend to get annoyed about immigration and asian (for example) people coming over for all the benefits and generally "being everywhere", but I've noticed when people tend to get to know an individual whatever race - depending on what the individual is like as a person of course - they drop whatever assumptions they previously had.

It seems quite a complex issue but I can't really pass a judgement as I believe they are simply coming over for a better life. If I was in a different situation and had the chance for a better life somewhere, for myself and my children (if I had any) I would do everything I could for a better life.

But regardless of these factors, it can't be an "easy ride". I can imagine it would be extremely isolating and strange being in a new country especially if you can't speak English or can't speak English very well.

The film also highlighted what a tough time the foreign people have as they were paid below the minimum wage and work very long hours. The phrase "foreign workers" seems so disheartening, as it trivialises them down to simply being a machine to work, and forgets the human within.

I know these people are people, so not everyone is good, or has good intentions and things like that, but I think it's sad how there is so much stigma, stereotypes, and negativity surrounding these people when everyone is an individual at the beginning of the day.

Baby Pigeons

I was in a discussion with someone and it raised the thought in my head that I've never seen a baby pigeon. I have thought about this previously but never thought to discover what they look like or discover why I have never seen them. For things like this, it makes the internet amazing. Before internet, I would have had to search libraries for a book about them but now everything I need to know is at the end of my fingertips.

Pigeons are outcasts in society. Eating whatever they find, being chased by kids, and you, or at least I always see a few limping or with broken wings. No one wants to touch them and you're meant to stay away because they're filthy.

Now I have seen the featured picture I know what they look like...they look a bit strange and pathetically cute to be honest...but I suppose humans are a bit weird too when they are first born.

Well the second thought I had has been addressed: why do you never see baby pigeons? Thinking about it, it's so obvious! I mean, I wouldn't let my own child go parading the streets alone as a baby and pigeons can't afford prams. Also when I first got my cat, I wouldn't let her out of the house til she was 1! And again, I never see any other baby animals out and about. I suppose it's just that people don't associate baby pigeons with 'cuteness' or even as an interesting creature, they're vermin. They aren't on birthday cards or tv shows or kept in incubators so little children can see how they grow...

This is from the Guardian website which is quite interesting and informative:

Why do you never see baby pigeons?

Amy Boughton, London, UK

• Because you haven't looked in the right place. They are in the nest making feathers which will give them the appearance of an adult pigeon. Young pigeons, or squabs, make a very tasty food which was much more popular in past centuries when dovecotes were constructed to encourage pigeons to nest and provide meat.
  Richard Avery, Seville, Spain

• This is one of those questions that gets repeated all the time without anyone ever actually thinking about it very hard. Pigeons don't fledge (leave the nest) until they are almost adult-sized and those that don't know what to look for can't tell a baby pigeon from an adult one. In the case of Woodpigeons (the fat ones that you see on your lawn), the young ones are those without a white flash on the neck. I saw one last night, actually, whilst having dinner in my garden. You'll probably see them everywhere now you know what they look like.
  Max Wurr, Stanmore, United Kingdom

• I once saw one that fell out of its nest during heavy winds and an uglier monstrosity you will never see.
  Chris Steele, Linton, England

On a final note, this song reminds me of the sadness of pigeons:

Beginning Spring

I have noticed it has been staying lighter longer recently. Today the sky was blue with white clouds as apposed to the grey with added greyness it usually likes to sport. Even though I like winter and by the end of summer I am usually gagging for it, I'm ready for the nice weather again!

Aspects of Spring/Summer I like:

• Evenings with daylight. It's nice being able to walk home and it still be light at night.
• Sunshine and warmthIE not having to wear 5 layers of clothing and thermal underwear
• Lifted mood. I really think the nicer weather lifts people's moods, it does me anyway..the longer days make the days feel more alive and like the day something to be seized, rather than feeling like life is for hibernating indoors away from the cold.

Aspects of Spring/Summer I dislike:

• Insects, especially flying ones. Particularly moths and wasps. The especially scary ones are the unidentified insects that you've never seen before, they scare me because I've no idea of what they can do!
• Sunshine and Warmth IE having to live in front of a fan as it is so warm. I shouldn't complain though really!
• Feeling really awkward as the weather makes you want to wear less clothes but you feel really fat...but hopefully I won't feel like this this year as I am quite a bit thinner than last summer.
  

In conclusion, I am quite contrary!

Dementia Centre

I've started volunteering at a Dementia centre. It is a group where people with dementia can come and socialise and relax with sufferers similar to them. My job as a volunteer is to sit with the attenders and chat and look through books with them, listen to music from the past, and eat dinner and have lots of tea and biscuits in between. I was slightly nervous at first, but I settled in extremely quickly.

Everyone is very friendly and sociable and it must be good to be in a patient and caring and upbeat environment for them.

All of the attenders are really lovely. They are all of the older generation, some are nearing ninety and I think a few are in their nineties!

I think when you become "the older generation" you tend to lose your identity. You become a "granny" or an "old person" or a "senior citizen" and you overlook them as people. I mean society in general, not you personally. But if you are overlooked when you are older, it makes society that we live in seem quite superficial.

I was going to use the example that : many of these people will have had a first day of school, the first day of their jobs and a last day of working. Cried in bed and had labour contractions, gone dancing, and made sandcastles with their brothers and sisters.

But I thought it was patronising as if they aren't even human anymore!

That wasn't the point I wanted to get across. I just feel that when you age you are still the same as you ever was, they have all been children, young men and women, ladies and gentlemen etc, you just slow down a bit but have so many years and experiences behind you.

It just seems like when you are a person of an older age, that is forgotten...and I think people with dementia are seen like this even more so and you think they are lost within this diagnosis when there is still a person there.

Losing it.

I'm anxious at the moment. I lost my swipe-in card, locker key, and smartcard (so I can get in the building) for work (they are all attached together you see.) This seems a pretty normal event but in 2009 I have already lost my locker key once before, had 2 new smartcards because I broke them both, and then lost my new one, and lost my swipe-in card again!

I don't tend to lose things easily, so it's really annoying that I keep losing these.

I'm annoyed at myself but I'm scared what they will say - I imagine tears (from me) and I am thinking of a dramatic speech about how I will guard it with my life and dedicate my life to not losing the card. They were really awkward the first time I lost it so who knows what they will be like now.

I've tipped the house upside down looking for it. I've got the torch out and looked down the back of everything, looked in places it never could be (like the oven or fridge) and looked in the same spot twice and found things that I previously couldn't find before.

Oh dear.

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OMG. The *moment* I posted this entry my Mum came down and had found it! It was in a pile of my Mum's clothes in the loft! No wonder I didn't find it but I'm so ecstatic now! YAY.

Vegetable Soup...

I made vegetable soup the other day and it was a success! I'm especially pleased with it as I don't really like vegetables. I grimace when I eat a salad and I only like carrots, potatoes and sweetcorn apart from that. Cucumbers and lettuce are quite nice.

So I'm thrilled I like a soup that includes:
Leeks
Carrots
Turnip
Red Onion
Celery

ALSO I'm also really happy because I'm on the Weight Watchers diet and the soup is zero points and very filling. I think I will just live on it now

Recipe:
Chunkily chop all of the vegetables up(peel the carrots, and the top layer of the leek, and red onion, cut the purple stuff off of the turnip) put them in a pan, cover with water, add vegetable stock, bring it to the boil and then let it simmer for 1.5 hours. Then whizz it all up with a blender.

How Exciting!

19 Million Hens in the UK live in cages...

I posted about carrier bags the other day and commented that to live without damaging the world around us seems an uphill struggle. I wish there was a "for dummies" guide on it all. I'm a vegetarian and I also try and eat free range eggs (which a lot of people do), but it took a short while to realise how many products I buy, have non-free range eggs used in them...

I've been researching online and found this useful information on the Battery Hen Welfare Trust charity website:

"

A staggering 65% of UK battery eggs are used by food manufacturers.

If you buy any of the following you could inadvertently be purchasing eggs laid by battery hens:

• Cake
• Pasta
• Chocolates (fondant filled)
• Quiche
• Ready made Yorkshire Puddings
• Ready made Pancakes
• Biscuits
• Ready meals
• Noodles"

Informative Websites

• The Vegetarian Society lists their approved products on their site
• The RSPCA also has an online leaflet explaining about free-range foods and approved products and manufacturers

I don't preach to people who eat meat, but for me in the past, the reason I happily ate any egg I ever saw or any sort of meat was because I didn't really engage with the suffering involved. To be honest even now it's so easy to buy, for example, an egg sandwich, and it's an afterthought, the life of suffering the chicken will have. I suppose unless it was a life or death situation, I couldn't end the life of a chicken or a pig myself, the only reason I ever ate it is because it comes in a little packaged box and says "sausages". A friendly little word really. In conclusion, it is a lot to take in..but I am going to do my best and buy ethical foods.

Writing is hard work.