Irrational Thoughts

When my brain has a lot of time to think, when my thoughts tumble over each other and interweave and roam through the night endlessly, I usually end up bumping into some irrational ones. Argh they are frustrating. Knowing that they're not true and feeling that they aren't true seem to be two different things completely.

Well last night I was trying to go to sleep and I started to worry that my brain would wake up whilst I was sleeping. This tends to happen as I've blogged about previously but I've never "feared" this happening before. I thought about what a suffocating yet helpless situation it is, it seems something like a coma-like state and what if my body never awoke. What if they buried me and my brain is still alive? What a scary situation having to experience death as a living person.

I think it's something about being awake in the nighttime that provokes these thoughts as it feels like the rest of the country is asleep, so it makes you feel somewhat detached and unplugged from reality.

Reading this back, it seems ridiculous. But I suppose everyone worries more than they should over certain things.

I'd rather be cool than nice.

I was waiting in line to purchase some dvds from one of those shops where you can sell your dvds and electricals for money, and as I was waiting a man walks in and hands his CV to one of the assistants. Thanks, she said. And then he left the shop.

She gives it to some man in the back but the door was open, so I could see clearly. Man-in-back looks inquisitive for a second. After the assistant and man-in-back exchange a few words, he slowly screws up the CV. I could see it in slow-motion as it happened, and then they started laughing joyfully.

How Nice, I thought to myself.

I remember when I was unemployed and looking for a job. I used to find it quite difficult going into places and handing in things and asking for things, but I did it. Most of the time. Quite often.....sometimes. I would catch the bus into town and get inside the place I was applying for and feel too distressed to hand it in and run back out again and just go home...

So what I'm saying is, that person didn't see you doing that, but it might have been an emotional hurdle doing so, and you doing that adds to the disheartening situation.

It seems some people gain much more satisfaction and pleasure from appearing clever and hip rather than friendly. They happily sacrifice niceness for the other.

Contentment

I have been feeling quite peaceful today. Birds are tweeting, and the grey sky is sitting nicely above the backs of houses and cranes and a knocked down tree as the wind blows in through my bedroom window..

This made me think of contentment...I was going to say I am "overcome" with it but then I thought: is it something you are overcome with, does it blanket over all of your other emotions leaving you feeling at ease for that moment..or is it something beneath your other emotions. All of your feelings and distressing thoughts, an endless mound of rubble, and if you manage to dig past to the bottom you will disover the smooth surface of contentment?

Or it may just be down to interpretation of your situation. It might not be underneath the inner you or something that lays over you. Some people may endlessly feel content because they never think to want anything else other than what life has given them and just take things as they come.

Arghh, just as I finished this post it started hailing and now there are no clouds in the sky.

Rest in Peace, Mark

I have just been listening to the radio and the tv presenter of SMART has died, Mark Speight. What a tragic thing to happen. I used to watch Smart quite often when I was younger and then began watching Smarteenies when my nephew was born.

He always seemed a fun and caring big brother sort of person. Of course being a children's tv presenter relies on you being overly happy to a fake extent but he did seem a nice person.

It's just sad how he probably felt like there was no hope left when he did this. I don't know what's worse: dying when you were happily bopping along living, or commiting suicide when you were filled with nothing but suffocating despair.

Words are delicious

I make lists of all the words I don’t know on a pending list to find their meaning and lately, all of the words I am discovering are sounding delicious. Maybe it's because I'm quite hungry..they sound like you could eat them....anyway. I'm not quite sure how I will squidge them into conversations, though.

These words are from the book “the Shipping News” by E. Annie Proulx (you can find them in other places as well)

Words:

Phantasmagoria
Ingratiatingly
Elusive
Sumptuous
Prodigious
Ostentatiously
Overwraught
Nonpariel
Evasion
Portent
Asunder
Allusion

Yum yum.

New Friend

I have made a new friend called Alfie. He strides upto me with an eagerness when I am leaving the house and lays on his back for me to tickle him and then when I return to the house he follows me upto my door and insists on coming inside and staying for tea (he eats Polly's biscuits). To get him to leave I have to give him more biscuits but he is very friendly nonetheless.

Sleep Paralysis

I have this quite often. It is a strange experience. At first I thought it was like Lucid Dreaming, which is it occasionally, but I find it to be very suffocating and restricting. I have noticed that I get it when I fall asleep during the day and then go to sleep at night.

It is a bizarre experience and I would be worried if I could be, but I feel calm and nonchalent when I am in this state, as if feelings are cut off.

Many times it feels like I'm floating or falling down a tunnel. I try to wake up but it feels like the dreamworld is dragging me back down. Sometimes I float to the top of my head and my body feels so heavy and lifeless and I can't move it or wake myself up.

Dreaming

When I am in control of my dreams,
which happens more often,
feels more real, and intense,
than my real life
I dream I can fly
I tell my brain
"Jenny, you can fly now"
and I do.
You may think I'm lying
Some sort of metaphor or
cliched poetic technique
but quite simply
it is true.