I have been thinking about loneliness. It is almost a mythical thing unless someone tells you that they are experiencing loneliness. It's not really a condition but it's sad. At the same time it's subtle and delicate, it creeps and doesn't make a lot of noise.
I feel the physical way the brain deals with loneliness is kind in a way. The way sometimes you pass out if you are in too much pain or fall asleep from crying so much.
If you are feeling and experiencing loneliness you start to forget what real friendships felt like, the thought and feeling of them dulls, until you can't remember them too much - the immediacy of it is taken away, extracted, slowly seeped out . You're happy with watching TV at night, maybe you have a hobby like collecting trains or reading. All of these physical things become friends. A good tv show is a nice chat. A book can feel like a warm embrace. Trains whizzing around may fill you with the excitement of a kiss. Holidays and weekends aren't long enough for you to dwell on the loneliness too much. Work is so much of a drain that the evening seeps luxury not emptiness.
It is only sometimes, in an extra quiet moment, you truly engage with the loneliness itself. When distractions are taken away, when you have to touch the centre of the ache. I think a lot of people are lonely. If I am walking home from work at night I glance in windows and the erratic light of the television is flickering on people's faces, just about every single house this is happening. I say this with a detachment but if they walked past my window they would probably see the glare of it on mine.
I have made a really good friend recently and I only realised how lonely I was only after this friendship was conceived. I wasn't desperately lonely but that's because I feel my brain numbed to the desolate nature of my life, the loneliness just became a gentle thud.
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3 comments:
This is a really nice description of loneliness.
All those people with their TVs though, they may not all be lonely. There is a difference, I think, between being lonely and being alone. Being alone is often something I enjoy, which is not to say that I don't get lonely from time to time. Often though, when I feel lonely is when I am with a lot of people and I don't quite fit. When I am at home, doing something that I enjoy, even if I am on my own, I am not often lonely.
For me, loneliness has more to do with how happy I am with myself at a given time. If I am not happy in myself, no amount of company will de-lonelify(?!) me. If I'm feeling content, I'm unlikely to feel lonely. But perhaps this is a chicken and egg thing.
"All those people with their TVs though, they may not all be lonely. There is a difference, I think, between being lonely and being alone." I know what you mean and I very much agree. I suppose I interpret people watching TV as loneliness - as it's a thing that vaguely resembles what it may look like in a physical form
Things like being in a big crowd you don't really know, can amplify the feeling. I, too, can feel quite lonely and as if everyone is speaking a foreign language.
"When I am at home, doing something that I enjoy, even if I am on my own, I am not often lonely. " I experience the same feeling. Being in your own world where you consider yourself a friend is always a nice thing and can be a pleasurable experience.
Thanks for your comment, I always enjoy them :)
I always enjoy writing them! Your posts are always interesting.
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