Better out than in

Six breadcakes (Or "bread rolls" I think they are called if you aren't from Yorkshire-y areas...!)
A pile of chips
Two Magnums (the icecreams, not weapons. However ammo probably would have been the healthier option)

I feel gluttonous. Reading the words make me feel sick.

I have a strange relationship with food. All my life I have stuffed it into my mouth until I've felt sick and everyday is always the planned day that I will never eat badly ever again. Weight Watchers is more like a revolution in my life than a healthy eating plan as it has changed the way I am with food. Well it has curbed my habits with food. I need someone to be watching over me, and someone to report to weekly about my eating habits, otherwise I will descend into unhealthy eating and then my weight will ascend.

The way I lust after food worries me. Before I take my first few bites, I think it's the best thing I could possibly do and will make me happier than anything. It follows with guilt and thoughts of self-loathing.

Yet I still continue.

I enjoy Weight Watchers as I can eat most things and feel guilt free. I do get hungry, and long for chocolate sometimes but I am still carrying on with it.

I think the important thing with losing weight is persistance. One of the things that puts people off attending the weigh-in is if they have put weight on and have to face their gain on the scales in front of someone. I find this helpful as it gives me a reality check and helps regain my motivation. You have to accept that some weeks will be "bad" and you might "go off track". If you can accept this will happen, and you might go a few steps back from time to time, it's easier to carry on ahead.

I was just over 13 stone when I began my new way of eating and I'm around 10 and a half stone now...it does feel like a burden has lifted but also like I have a long way to go, and this struggle with food and the desire to eat and eat, will be with me for life...so I guess I will be attending Weight Watchers for a very long time.

Little Rat

Like pigeons, rats are considered vermin in society. They go all over the place scavaging for food. I took this photograph of a dead rat and showed it to my Mum but she didn't have sympathy because it's "vermin".

I think if a rat jumped upto me and viciously attacked me, and I ran down the street and it still didn't stop chasing me, I'd have less sympathy with this particular rat and have reservations when coming across other rats and probably write a blog post about the Horrible Rats.

But that hasn't happened and from my experience they scurry about, keeping out of people's way, living the life that was thrust upon them as best that they can, like all creatures.

I suppose if they were inhabiting in your home they would be a nuisance. I haven't personally lived in a "rat infested" home luckily, and if I did I probably would resort to a mouse trap, or the least painful thing out there if there is anything. Apparently they are covered in disease, it makes my argument to like rats a bit more difficult, but still, it's only because of their life as outsiders they are like this-what they have inside them and covering them is horrible, but they aren't malicious.

I may be hypocritical with my sympathy as when it comes to insects inside my house and things like that I want the motherfuckers dead. I do try and waft insects out of a window if possible and I'm not really bothered about wood lice and things like that as they can't hurt me.

However, once when I was sleeping in my sister's new house in New Zealand I awoke in the middle of the night to find the wall covered in ants. I spent the rest of the night upset and scared, trying to lay as still as possible..the next morning they were all over the walls in the house, in the cupboards, on the floor..it was really horrible. I had no empathy for them then, I just cared about a non-infested house and being able to sleep peacefully.

I suppose, in conclusion, I don't mind rats as long as they keep out of my way, and all other non-cute, non-sociable creatures which they have done so far.

Err

as I was waiting in a queue in the supermarket I was shocked at what I heard...it was very busy and a man and woman stood in the queue behind me but then they noticed the cashier was asian and when the woman saw she said oh god a paki baki (whatever that means), the man asked her if she wanted to move to another till and they did, even though the queue on the other till was longer.

It sounded like she had such hate and prejudice over this person because of his ethnic origin.

It's a strange world.

Never Can Say Goodbye

If there has been one musician who has been significant in my life it is Michael Jackson. I've been a really big fan ever since I was a little girl. I used to watch the film "Moonwalker" all the time, I also had videos of him in concert, and knew every album and every word off by heart.

I used to imagine Michael was my special invisible friend, and I was the only one who could see him. He would come and visit me in the playground at school...Those daydreams were quite comforting to me when I was little as I didn't really have friends but I felt close to Michael. I think I spent a large part of my childhood daydreaming about things like that!

I like how his songs are about a variety of things as many singers seem to like writing about love and how they love someone and how they no longer love someone but he had many different angles on love...for example...

Billie Jean (A woman who is claiming he impregnated her and now she has his child.)


Ben (About the profound love between boy and rat)


Dirty Diana (About a woman forcing herself sexually on MJ)

I thought I would share some of my favourite songs but these are my favourite songs of the moment, so may change from time to time:


Never Can Say Goodbye








Get On The Floor


Can't Help It


They Don't Care About Us


Who is it?


Dangerous





I feel sorry for Michael Jackson when it comes to the media as nobody seems to take into account he is probably very messed up and suffering psychologically. It has been said he had a very harsh childhood and has had nothing but a life which is alien to the majority of humans. The media just use the vaguely humorous phrase "wacko jacko" which doesn't take into account all the problems he clearly has....

It's a free world

I watched a film the other day called "it's a free world..." which was directed by Ken Loach. It was an interesting and thought provoking film about a woman setting up her own recruitment agency for foreign workers, but it was quite bitter in places.

We live in a multi-cultural society, but I feel like there is a divide between British people and people from other countries. I live in an area where there is a large population of non-British people, but generally these people all live together in the same area and Us British live in all the other local places. When I was at school I had a few foreign friends but I could feel the divide and differences, like they felt they had to keep themselves to themselves..which was a shame really.

"Illegal immigrants" and even "immigrants" is such a harsh word/phrase. It creates images of people wanting to 'use our benefits' and who want a free ride. It doesn't connote the individual and their life and situation.

I've found from personal experience people tend to get annoyed about immigration and asian (for example) people coming over for all the benefits and generally "being everywhere", but I've noticed when people tend to get to know an individual whatever race - depending on what the individual is like as a person of course - they drop whatever assumptions they previously had.

It seems quite a complex issue but I can't really pass a judgement as I believe they are simply coming over for a better life. If I was in a different situation and had the chance for a better life somewhere, for myself and my children (if I had any) I would do everything I could for a better life.

But regardless of these factors, it can't be an "easy ride". I can imagine it would be extremely isolating and strange being in a new country especially if you can't speak English or can't speak English very well.

The film also highlighted what a tough time the foreign people have as they were paid below the minimum wage and work very long hours. The phrase "foreign workers" seems so disheartening, as it trivialises them down to simply being a machine to work, and forgets the human within.

I know these people are people, so not everyone is good, or has good intentions and things like that, but I think it's sad how there is so much stigma, stereotypes, and negativity surrounding these people when everyone is an individual at the beginning of the day.

Baby Pigeons

I was in a discussion with someone and it raised the thought in my head that I've never seen a baby pigeon. I have thought about this previously but never thought to discover what they look like or discover why I have never seen them. For things like this, it makes the internet amazing. Before internet, I would have had to search libraries for a book about them but now everything I need to know is at the end of my fingertips.

Pigeons are outcasts in society. Eating whatever they find, being chased by kids, and you, or at least I always see a few limping or with broken wings. No one wants to touch them and you're meant to stay away because they're filthy.

Now I have seen the featured picture I know what they look like...they look a bit strange and pathetically cute to be honest...but I suppose humans are a bit weird too when they are first born.

Well the second thought I had has been addressed: why do you never see baby pigeons? Thinking about it, it's so obvious! I mean, I wouldn't let my own child go parading the streets alone as a baby and pigeons can't afford prams. Also when I first got my cat, I wouldn't let her out of the house til she was 1! And again, I never see any other baby animals out and about. I suppose it's just that people don't associate baby pigeons with 'cuteness' or even as an interesting creature, they're vermin. They aren't on birthday cards or tv shows or kept in incubators so little children can see how they grow...

This is from the Guardian website which is quite interesting and informative:

Why do you never see baby pigeons?

Amy Boughton, London, UK

• Because you haven't looked in the right place. They are in the nest making feathers which will give them the appearance of an adult pigeon. Young pigeons, or squabs, make a very tasty food which was much more popular in past centuries when dovecotes were constructed to encourage pigeons to nest and provide meat.
  Richard Avery, Seville, Spain

• This is one of those questions that gets repeated all the time without anyone ever actually thinking about it very hard. Pigeons don't fledge (leave the nest) until they are almost adult-sized and those that don't know what to look for can't tell a baby pigeon from an adult one. In the case of Woodpigeons (the fat ones that you see on your lawn), the young ones are those without a white flash on the neck. I saw one last night, actually, whilst having dinner in my garden. You'll probably see them everywhere now you know what they look like.
  Max Wurr, Stanmore, United Kingdom

• I once saw one that fell out of its nest during heavy winds and an uglier monstrosity you will never see.
  Chris Steele, Linton, England

On a final note, this song reminds me of the sadness of pigeons:

Beginning Spring

I have noticed it has been staying lighter longer recently. Today the sky was blue with white clouds as apposed to the grey with added greyness it usually likes to sport. Even though I like winter and by the end of summer I am usually gagging for it, I'm ready for the nice weather again!

Aspects of Spring/Summer I like:

• Evenings with daylight. It's nice being able to walk home and it still be light at night.
• Sunshine and warmthIE not having to wear 5 layers of clothing and thermal underwear
• Lifted mood. I really think the nicer weather lifts people's moods, it does me anyway..the longer days make the days feel more alive and like the day something to be seized, rather than feeling like life is for hibernating indoors away from the cold.

Aspects of Spring/Summer I dislike:

• Insects, especially flying ones. Particularly moths and wasps. The especially scary ones are the unidentified insects that you've never seen before, they scare me because I've no idea of what they can do!
• Sunshine and Warmth IE having to live in front of a fan as it is so warm. I shouldn't complain though really!
• Feeling really awkward as the weather makes you want to wear less clothes but you feel really fat...but hopefully I won't feel like this this year as I am quite a bit thinner than last summer.
  

In conclusion, I am quite contrary!