Look North

I was watching Look North this evening and Claire Young of the Apprentice (which I haven't seen) was a guest on the show discussing charity work she has been doing and also some people who have made a Christmas CD to raise money for Bluebell Wood - all good things really.

It really annoyed me as the presenter Christa Ackroyd kept interrupting and asking trivial questions such as "Do you travel first class or economy class?". Then when the male guest is promoting the Christmas CD, he says who wrote it, and Christa responds, "He's quite famous isn't he?".

It seems a question someone who wasn't really interested would say.

Then the female guest begins discussing Bluebell Wood and her time being at the hospice and what a great cause Bluebell Wood is and Christa responds with "You didn't meet Sean Bean did you? Isn't he lovely?"

The final annoying and thoughtless thing was when Claire Young says she isn't having Christmas at home as she is planning Christmas for 1500 children and rather than discussing that, Christa asks her who her celebrity crush is and they begin discussing that!

I dislike Christa now, the stupid woman!

I managed to find it on the BBC website, but I suppose it won't be up for long:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/7736486.stm

Puppy Cam

I recently stumbled across this: http://cdn1.ustream.tv/swf/4/viewer.45.swf?cid=317016

or if this HTML thing works, this:



It's a live stream of a litter of puppies. I keep going back to it to watch them going about their daily lives. Watching them being alive is so engrossing and fascinating and not to patronise them, but it's also quite sweet!

It's Christmas Soon

This post might be a bit too early! But oh well...It's Christmas soon. I sense it's Christmas soon as in the supermarket things such as tinsle, christmas cake, and presents are streaming through the checkout. I'm not religious but do I accept and send presents and eat lots of food. For people who are religious it's celebrating Jesus' birthday-if you didn't know that boys and girls. I have been reflecting on past Christmasses, and Christmas day is always dull and quiet in my house.

People see Christmas as CHRISTMAS DAY and everything before it is the administrative work in preparation for the big day but I think the most fun of it is what is before Christmas. My favourite bits of this commercial holiday are:

christmas cards
buying and wrapping presents
baking food
christmas songs and carols
brass bands
having "it's christmas soon" conversations with people
writing "it's christmas soon" blogs
decorations - tinsle, fairy lights, festive ornaments
looking at people's decorated and glowing houses

I have already started listening to Christmas songs, I am getting into the spirit rather early.

My Favourite Ways To Relax

I think relaxing is quite important. I only work part-time most of the time so you would think I get plenty of time to do so, and I do, but I don't often feel so. Right now I feel awkward and brittle.

My favourite ways to relax are:

Having a bath - I think like many others, the moment you sink into the water something is released and you tingle and whatever guard or brittleness you had dissolves in the water. It's a really great luxury as I have only had a bath in my house for a few years and so never got to have them before. Afterwards I always feel fresh. My 4 year old neice enjoys baths, in her words..."I like baths; I like being nice and clean." I agree with this and something bath lovers will all relate to and understand.

Watching a film - For me personally I find going to the cinema quite relaxing as the big darkened room is an escape from the real world. If you go to the Cinema in the afternoontime it's really good as there are never many people there...sometimes if there are a lot of people there crinkling wrappers and stuff, it makes me the opposite of relaxed.

Craft-y type things - Anything which you can lose yourself in is very relaxing. I have recently started drawing and painting, and even though I'm not "good" I don't mind at all as I like doing it regardless of the result which is something that makes it enjoyable and relaxing. If I was worried about the result I would find it the opposite. I worry quite a lot of the time - and having something to concentrate on relieves my mind of most thoughts as I can just think about the task at hand.

holiday in blackpool

I went to Blackpool quite a while ago now. I had a nice time, however my Mother and Grandmother get on my wick after a bit. The worst bit was catching a horrendous cold and I especially disliked the symptoms of coughing, sneezing, eyes streaming and difficulty breathing. I liked the hotel though as they had nice breakfasts.

My Mum went to see a clair-voyant who told her future to her, it was quite expensive, £30! and then Mum ran and put a her special numbers that the clair-voyant gave her on the lottery, but she didn't win anything unfortunately.

I walked up and down the pier and went on a few trams but didn't really get to do much else, however I bought loads of Daniel O Donnell memorabilia which I love as I'm such a big fan.

Here are a few photographs that I took...

Working Life

October 18th was my anniversary for working a year in the Supermarket. When I first started the job, I was so pleased I was in employment and also so happy that I enjoyed the job. I didn't feel utterly consumed, physically and emotionally, and I loved working and earning money...It was my first job.

I attempted two other jobs before this which were horrible - one was working in Hollywood Bowl. I was in the kitchen. I remember standing around all day feeling emotionally on edge. I started at 12pm and finished at 8pm on a Sunday and I went for my break about 6. I sat there eating my banana in an empty room. It was really awful and it scared me that This Is What The Real World Is Like. I sobbed on the walk home and then not quite ready for that real world, didn't go back.

I then got another job in Mcdonalds which was even worse. I was paired with this awful boy and I had to lift boxes that were too heavy for me and he liked bossing me around and also commenting on the women's breasts who drove through the drive-thru. I started crying after the first hour and then left my Uniform there and told the manager that this job isn't for me.

Since I lived with my parents it wasn't crucial I had a job and it just makes me think of how awful it must be to have to do a job you hate.

Even though there are probably loads of better jobs out there I do enjoy it mostly, in comparison to what I felt in my previous jobs. I actually find it more enjoyable than when I was in education strangely! In education I was always filled with a lethargy when I was there and when I'd finished and hated the endless lingering feeling that I had work to do. In the supermarket I mostly feel alert and feel productive and I don't have to do P.E.

Well, I don't really want to work in a supermarket forever but I am not sure what else I should do just yet..I'm so indecisive and it's tricky working it out.

Death comes at the oddest of times

I haven't much experience with death - I've never lost anyone close to me.

I was browsing Facebook and discovered a group and a girl who attended my school died 2 weeks ago from an epileptic attack. She was only nineteen, the same age as I. I knew her but not that well, I once attended the Cinema with her to see the film "Honey"

It seems so tragic because she was so young and according to the group she is a mother as well. She couldn't have done that much with her life - She was quiet at school and was bullied. It seems sad that she was bullied at school, became pregnant to a little girl and now her life has ended abruptly at nineteen.

When someone dies who you aren't close to it still affects you somewhat and reminds you that death is very much intertwined with life and when it happens it just means they are no longer there anymore and that is that, there is no relief, an endless swirling black hole. I mean, I can only imagine really.

I have no idea how I would feel or would react if someone close to me died, it does seem unthinkable but it is inevitable.

It makes you think that life is for living and death isn't always so far away.

Weight Watchers

I have been going to Weight Watchers for about 4 months. I have always been quite fat and always been incredibly unhappy about it! I gained weight due to eating too much, obviously, but I always enjoyed eating as I found it very comforting. At times, I long to stuff my face with things I really should stay away from, and luckily for the most part, I do stay away from them...

Before, it was a real battle with food as I always equated food with mood. When I was happy, I liked eating to emphasize that happiness and when I was sad I liked eating to make me feel better. Afterwards, I was always disgusted with myself...and I was endlessly attempting to lose weight. It was no way to live.

I weighed 13 stone and half a pound when I first began Weight Watchers. The photograph below was what I recieved when I lost 10% of my body weight - which was 18lbs. Altogether now, I have lost 26.5lbs.

Now I have lost this weight I can fit into nicer clothes and I find myself making the effort to look nice. It was never like that before as the only way to deal with how I looked was through ignorance. Shopping when you're overweight is always frustrating as sizes don't go very high and even then I found it depressing discovering however expensive or nice it looked, it wouldn't look that nice on me.

I really feel fairly different now. I used to hate looking at myself in mirrors and shop windows and now I feel alright about it.

I don't think that people who aren't the 'normal' weight can't look nice as I think everyone is attractive in their own way . I never thought people who were "fat" weren't attractive. I just couldn't see myself as attractive, I just didn't feel I suited the 'plump' look. I have quite a small chest. And a protruding stomach and little chest just looks strange - it made me think I am not meant to be like this and look this way.


When you attend Weight Watchers you have to line up and wait to be weighed. Once it's your turn you usually take your shoes off, and if you think it has been a bad week you end up taking your glasses/earrings/cardigans off in the hope that will make a difference. Mostly women go (to mine) but there are a few men also. Then you have to pay - which I find humorous as every time I always end up in an embarrasing situation with the woman that deals with payments. For example...

Woman: How much have you lost love?
Me: 2lbs
Woman: 4lbs! That's right good!
Me: No..just 2lbs.

or

Woman: You've done right well you! How many stones is it...5?
Me: No...
Woman: 4? 3? 2?
Me: Just over 1!

Long pause.

Oh well..at least she is friendly!

They also have a shop where they sell different Weight Watchers products which you can't buy in shops such as crisps, chocolate bars, cookery books, sweets.

Then you can also stay for the meeting in which the leader discusses various things relating to weight loss and Weight Watchers...

I really like going to Weight Watchers as it's a supportive environment and the "diet" itself doesn't feel like a diet, as you can eat what you want. So if anyone was considering losing weight, then I highly recommend Weight Watchers.

What's in my bag...

Jenny Adamthwaite in her blog From The Living Room tagged me to show what is in my handbag! She said because I was looking for things to write about and I guess I am!

As you can see, the majority of the contents of my bag are typical bag-stuff; keys, purse, various crap like reciepts. I quite like my pink hello kitty purse; inside it is a picture of my neice and nephew, more reciepts, and bank, id, top-up, student cards.

My notebook, monthly pass, and the thing you can see with two "7"s on are all Weight Watchers related as I use the notebook to write down how many points I have had during the day (I am allowed 20). Also, the monthly pass is just what I use as I don't pay to go to weekly meetings but they take it out of my bank. The thing with the two "7"s on is a record of how much I have lost so far.

I also have a film in my bag as I am waiting to develop it in the darkroom on Friday.

My new purchase are my gloves and I've needed them sooner than I anticipated! I really love my gloves as they are fingerless but also have a mitten-top, so I don't have to take them off for doing things which is good and when it's cold I can put on the mitten-top.

Also, I really like my bag which my sister found whilst we were in a charity shop. She gave it to me but I think it is worth quite a lot as this girl at college asked me if I queud up for my bag and I had no idea what she was on about. Perhaps it is a fake..I wouldn't know the difference but it's still very real in the sense it's not a plastic bag. :P

Also if you look closely there is a cinema ticket for the film 'How to Lose Friends and Alienate People' (which was ok) and a wrapper for a chocolate bar...

So that is what is in my bag, the end!

Photography Course

Well I've started a photography course. I decided to enrol on a course as I enjoy photography but I am frustrated with my lack of technical knowledge of the camera. In my class there is a diverse range of ages, I am perhaps the youngest in the class. I have been learning about cameras and how to use the darkroom. It's all rather exciting! The process of taking pictures and developing becomes so much more fascinating when you are in control of every part of it.

I take pictures with my digital camera, but there is something more satisfying about this. With digital photography it is so instant, that I take for granted whatever image appears. It doesn't feel like it is my image. It's just something I have captured, not created.

Another reason I enjoy my photography class is it's good being with different people. I don't really have any friends in Sheffield anymore, and so being with other human beings is good for me. It is strange, as I feel more settled than I ever did when I was studying for my A Levels. Everyone is so friendly and wants to talk.

I feel like the camera makes sense to me now rather than a foreign language.

Doesn't it go dark early?

I have been neglecting my blog. I asked my Mum what I should write in in it and she had 4 suggestions:

1) The photography course I am on
2) That I've joined Weight Watchers and lost quite a lot of weight
3) I'm going on holiday soon to Blackpool
4) It was Grandma's 77th birthday the other day and she got 25 birthday cards

Perhaps I should blog about the first two and not the latter two.

Dreams can come true

In a way dreams are quite amazing. The way they can bring you to the brim of an emotion and momentarily send you to the cliff edge of it. For example, when I have dreamt about someone in a certain way and awoken with a sense of longing for them that I never had before, waking up saddened when I have dreamt someone has died or feel very disturbed when I'm staring into a mirror with my eye sockets cemented in.

Last night I had a traumatic and vivid dream. I was going to have a baby and my water's broke.
I wanted to keep the baby and an abortion at the same time. An abortion seemed so brutal and sad but a living creature inside me seemed so foreign and strange. I felt very gloomy about having a baby and an overwhelming sense of ruining my life!

I woke up thinking if I am going to be so torn about having a child and feel thoughts like that then maybe I am not ready for children and should be extremely careful in potential children-creating activities but that's not something I have to worry about currently and I have no plans for motherhood anyway. I'm not sure if that reaction and feeling I felt was exactly true to life but it is funny how alive dreams can feel, it is like some sort of virtual reality, putting you in a situation you have not yet been in. I daydream quite a lot and get lost in my imagination sometimes but it never feels as alive as a dream.

On Blogging

I like and admire blogs of a confessional, open nature. It must take courage to write those sort of entries - being open to the world, unknowing of the responses. I like how you can find out about people living their lives-sharing the moments, experiences, thoughts, and feelings that one might never find out about. Blogging about things that I myself will never experience or really ever properly understand. But also reading about the everyday moments that I and many people experience daily.

Blogs that aren't especially confessional and not rooted in the person themself specifically, a bit like a newspaper article-format I think can be interesting. It is as if the fragments of the blogger you find in their entries and the shadows they create make them quite intriguing also.

My blog seems to fall into the latter catagory. One of the reasons for this is because I do very little and my life doesn't contain that many blog-worthy entries. Haaha....what a bleak ending.

hedge-hogging the CD player

I have previously blogged about a local hedgehog that I occasionally see.

Today he was asleep in the garage, nestled behind a cd player. He looks snug, I thought to myself, but on reflection it seems that he was stuck rather than snug!



My dad tried to get the hedgehog out but he seemed quite firmly entangled in the holes of the CD player - I think it was his claw that was also entangled. He curled up in a little ball when he was touched, but he still remained attached. Eventually, he was delicately tugged out and layed on the ground, but he still remained in his little ball.

It made me sad for the hedgehogs that live in the man-made world - the busy roads and unkind humans. They are defenceless as their instinct to roll into a ball becomes mostly useless.

See you soon babe

as I was at my friend's flat, my friend discovered some letters and postcards in the loft - I think it was a few different people writing to a boy called Trayen. He must have lived there years ago as the letters were dated around '97.

The letters and postcards are quite brief and simple, and also very informal and colloquial in places. I think it's an interesting glimpse into this person's life, as you can only guess their relationship from this fragmented correspondance, they will always remain a dark silhouette...

trayen, baby how ya doin'? I'm sitting in a bar in Greece. Actually I looking after the bar while the manager plays pool. It's beautiful out here. I get free drinks because I'm helping behind the bar. The place on the front is where we go at night somteimes. I'll call you when I get home. I love you babe. Love Georgia xxx

-
Dear Trayen, I hope you are well and not too stressed about your exams and stuff. Things are swinging on as usual here, and it's all pretty peaceful really. I really miss Jess at the moment though I've not seen her since the last week and in December I probably will have called before you read this because it's bank holiday sunday

I'm sitting on a park bench by the river and all these couples keep walking past holding hands, it's making me feel nauseatingly single

See you soon babe

Emma xxx

-
"When In Rome" (Dedicated to Trayen)

When I see you in the morning
Putting on your pretty clothes
I watch you do your makeup
Like they do in all those fashion shows
And you go away and your gone all day
but your coming home to night.
But when your home, darling all you've got to be is you
But when in rome do as the romans do.

I like that they are quite blande and ordinary - they aren't gut wrenching love letters or deeply revealing

What Ladies Converse About

The other day, I was with playing with my neice Daisy of 4 years of age and texting my friend Daisy of 18 years of age, simultaneously. Daisy, my neice, was quite curious about what I was doing and quite interested when she discovered exactly what it was.

Daisy: What are ya doin?
Me: Texting my friend, she's called Daisy like you!
*Look of surprise and fascination appears on her face*
Daisy:.....What does her dress look like?


Aw

Hedgehog Happenings

The only thoughts and things interesting enough to write about are animal-related.

Alfie popped over today, having a roam about my room and a nap on the windowsill. I like how he comes over to get some peace and quiet and to relax. Alfie is a lovely creature specifically but I generally enjoy the company of cats because there is no judgement and no expectation, and all they want is a sleep, some food and to be stroked. So simple and easy. So pleasant and delightful.




Also, there is a local hedgehog who I have only come across recently. I came home one night a few weeks ago to discover the hedgehog munching on some cat biscuits that were left outside, and then it ran away rather quickly! I saw the hedgehog again earlier today. I managed to take a picture and the hedgehog was acting strange as it was so still and staring in one spot for ages...Polly was prancing around in the background, the hedgehog didn't seem to mind.

New Life

A few weeks ago at the cat shelter I was cleaning one of the rooms which had a Mum in, Cleo, and her daughter of 6 months, Bonnie. Cleo was pregnant and she quietly gave birth to one of her kittens whilst I was cleaning the room. A lovely and special thing, I thought and still think. I felt honoured to have been there at the time. Afterward Cleo gave birth, Bonnie went and curled up with Mum and her new sibling. I only witnessed one kitten - as apparently sometimes cats won't give birth to the rest til the next day.

I returned to the cat shelter and Cleo had 3 kittens altogether. When I entered their room, I discovered them in their basket cuddling up together. They are mostly black so they almost blur into one other. Bonnie kept going over to give them a lick, as I was told that if the older siblings are around, they help raise the young. It's very sweet and touching to watch. I think when being with kittens you cannot help but be overwhelmed with their playful innocence, their implicit trust in you, and preciousness.

Big sister Bonnie looking after her new siblings:

Party in Skegness

I love Flickr as you can browse through so many different photographs of all sorts of places, things, stuff.

As a child, I used to visit Chapel St. Leonards yearly, which is quite close to Skegness-the seaside, chips, the repetative songs that blare out of arcades, market stalls selling sticks of rock and I Love Skeggy keyrings.

For nostalgic purposes, I searched "Skegness" on Flickr. I came across these really interesting photographs and it reminded me of the magic a photograph can hold. "Old photographs" seem to have a mystical quality about them. They way they capture a time and how you can see how much things have changed.

I wonder if in 20 years time I will feel the same feeling looking at photographs taken today.

I look at these photographs and they are capturing a moment. It is something about how every snap taken had to be developed with no clue what they would look like and no option to disregard a dodgy one. And after, they may sit in a frame, in a photograph album or hidden away in a drawer but not many people would see them.

Sometimes with pictures I see today, on Facebook and whatnot, it feels like the moment is the taking the picture, and whatever is happening inside that picture is irrelivant. I browse Facebook and I see many samey drunken photographs, self-taken photographs, lots of smiling faces and it feels too self conscious, as if they are not connoting a good time but "Hello, I am very normal and appearing on Facebook"

Anyway, these photographs are posted by a man trying to find the names of the people in them: "40 + years ago I was in Skegness for the summer season as an assistant manager with Woolworths. I took these photos at a party in my flat on Drummond Road. I remember the faces, but the names escape me ... does anyone know? They will all be in their mid-60s now."

They look full of happiness and romance, who knows what life was holding for them:

Bedtime

Polly is delicate, ladylike and quite small. It adds to her preciousness and how delicate and small she is was magnified after Alfie had been here yesterday. I kept awaking last night every few hours for a few minutes, for unknown reasons, and I didn't mind as Polly was there, so peaceful, so asleep.





Alfie followed me in today. He sauntered around the house and then went upstairs. He slept on my bed and as I was sitting with him a thud of tiredness hit me and I fell asleep too.

I managed to take some pictures of Alfie before and after my nap. He looks so peaceful. :(

Alfet

Alfie is such good company. It is a warm feeling I get when I am walking up the street to find Alfie waiting for me. Today as I came home from work I discovered him sitting on my fence and then he followed me inside my house for some food, attention and a nap.

How big you are, I thought to myself, as he stretched out whilst he was sleeping. I was squished on the end of the settee as he took over half of it up.

Polly isn't very fond of Alfie. She ranges from reserved and awkward to vicious and angry when he is near. It might be something to do with fact he is in her house, but he is harmless. I recently found out Alfie is a M a i n e C o o n cat and according to Wikipedia they are colloquially known as "gentle giants" and that is so true with him.

He is handsome, quiet, patient and loving. He has smooth and thick fur, which smells like the outside air in a musty way, and one of my favourite things are his big and chunky paws. He likes attention and being fussed over.

Polly is slightly different. She is more independant and has my endless affections, love and guidance and so she never has to want for it. I don't mind though. Someone once said to me that cats need you more when they're older, and I think that's true, and so I am happy she is enjoying her youth sitting on sheds and running through bushes.

The English Dream

Sat with Mum the other evening watching Britain's Got Talent. It didn't have my full attention but I felt really blue watching it. There is something so lonely about loud cheering and endless clapping. Booing and hissing. Ringing up and voting. Britain's Got More Talent on ITV2. Emptiness and loneliness.

It looks like a distorted view of happiness people have - as if people have been told this is what it is to be successful. The lightbulbs, the audience, being on the telly. Glaring into the screen saying "I want this more than anything" and begging to be saved.

Someone once said to me "If you could be famous just like that, wouldn't you want to be?"

Confetti rained on everyone once the winner was announced

And then once they have won it will just be more clapping and loud music and more eye squinting lightbulbs.

I know some people need a platform to "make it" but those brutal yet empty television shows like that should not be the way to do it.

The Quiet Footsteps of Loneliness

I have been thinking about loneliness. It is almost a mythical thing unless someone tells you that they are experiencing loneliness. It's not really a condition but it's sad. At the same time it's subtle and delicate, it creeps and doesn't make a lot of noise.

I feel the physical way the brain deals with loneliness is kind in a way. The way sometimes you pass out if you are in too much pain or fall asleep from crying so much.

If you are feeling and experiencing loneliness you start to forget what real friendships felt like, the thought and feeling of them dulls, until you can't remember them too much - the immediacy of it is taken away, extracted, slowly seeped out . You're happy with watching TV at night, maybe you have a hobby like collecting trains or reading. All of these physical things become friends. A good tv show is a nice chat. A book can feel like a warm embrace. Trains whizzing around may fill you with the excitement of a kiss. Holidays and weekends aren't long enough for you to dwell on the loneliness too much. Work is so much of a drain that the evening seeps luxury not emptiness.

It is only sometimes, in an extra quiet moment, you truly engage with the loneliness itself. When distractions are taken away, when you have to touch the centre of the ache. I think a lot of people are lonely. If I am walking home from work at night I glance in windows and the erratic light of the television is flickering on people's faces, just about every single house this is happening. I say this with a detachment but if they walked past my window they would probably see the glare of it on mine.

I have made a really good friend recently and I only realised how lonely I was only after this friendship was conceived. I wasn't desperately lonely but that's because I feel my brain numbed to the desolate nature of my life, the loneliness just became a gentle thud.

Euphoric Fear

It is strange. Before an event I cannot contemplate it happening, I don't seem to feel excitement subsequently and I am not filled with much wonder.

Throughout my exams at college I hardly did revision as I never believed the exams were real. They always felt dream-like. If I were to turn up for my exams and they said I am imagining things, I think I would have believed them. I think it was something to do with euphoric fear. Exams can be quite scary things, so much so that they seem from another world. This could be my brain's escape route.

I am going to see "Sleuth" at the theatre this evening but it is just a thought. I don't look forward to it, I don't wonder what will happen, whether it will be good. The thought is vague and misty, at the back of my head and it will stay there.

I seem to only to appreciate things properly in the aftermath. I look back and become filled with appreciation and happiness at the nice events that have happened. Although the past doesn't really exist, it feels more solid than the present and future. Maybe everyone experiences things like this, I just haven't spoken to anyone about it. :P

The whole of life seems a dream, it is so real and realistic, that it must be more of the dream world than the real world.

Quiet Friendships

Quiet friendships. What I love about these friendships is the way they glow. They are without words, without the same formalities as other friendships, just a silent feeling. It is similar to the feeling one gets when they hold a hamster or a small creature; the intensity of it; how delicate and small but overwhelmingly precious.

It began when I was working Wednesday and Thursday nights. After I had finished I walked under the black sky to the bustop to go home. My bus took a little time to come and before it did, another bus arrived and five people got off and waited with me for the bus. Four were male and one was female.

Every week this happened. The same five people. I wondered where they were going to or coming from at this hour and it must be something rather specific since every week we all caught the bus at the same time. Like lions roaming the pavement, probably just like myself: Restless in the cold, sharp air. Looking at their watches and the sky. Staring at their shoes and gazing at the bright river of cars.

When the bus finally arrived they tended to rush on before me, even though I arrived first (I didn't mind, though). But the one girl always made a point to let me on first. She would take a step back and gesture to me to get on the bus, making the other people wait until I had, if she managed to get to the front first. She would smile and then I.

For the next few weeks, this would happen often. She would always let me get on before her and I thankyoud her with a smile. She had brown curly hair and looked exempt from any sort of fashion which made her even more alluring and mysterious. She wore a backpack, blue jeans, a black jumper and Dr. Martin's shoes.

I would get off the bus before everyone else which left me always wondering where they were going to or coming from. On the bus everyone would stare into the middle distance, lost in thought possibly, or staring out of the window into the night. I have never heard her voice or any one of the other's, but this friendship remains precious to me all the same.

Shop Work

Working in a Supermarket can be a bland experience, glaring at the tick of the clock as the time doesn't pass. But it is not the worst job. There are certain elements which are fascinating and scary. Things which seep in between the general thud of working.

The fact that it's a sociable job is one reason I enjoy it. The potential for a conversation with a complete stranger is rather exciting and many are very talkative. Customers being horrible is sometimes true, but many I find to be very nice.

The majority of people I work with are very nice too. There is someone my age I think, who also works with me, and if he's on the till in front or behind I can hear him ask every customer "How has your day been today?" with a variance of "What are you upto this weekend?", over and over he repeats with the same enthusiasm each time. I admire his friendly and open nature and some customers sound a little surprised that someone would ask such a straight-forward question about their day.

Sometimes I'm really open and sometimes a little shy. It flows in waves like the tide coming in and out. I can't control it and I surprise myself when I speak to customers with such ease and openness and then become frustrated that I couldn't accept their invitations for conversations such as Huge Sighs and "That's a good offer, isn't it?" or "Just getting a few holiday bits"

One thing I find fascinating is that I feel I've discovered all of the people I would never usually see or be around - the nine to five workers, girlfriends and boyfriends kissing whilst queing,
people from other countries who haven't learned english, young mums and dads, older mums and dads. I have never really integrated with them before and now I do all the time
for a brief moment.

I have started to become fond of some of the regular customers. There is an old lady who looks quite sweet. She wears a long mustard yellow coat and wears a cat brooch. Her
shopping bag is covered in cats as well. She always buys cat food and I am always tempted to speak about cats with her, but she seems a very quiet and peaceful lady tottering along.

There is also an old man who comes to my till a lot. He speaks of how he lost his wife and how hard it is for him. He must be quite lonely now because every time he returns he will tell me again.

The one element I find scary is IDing people. It is now Challenge 25 which is difficult, considering Challenge 21 was a challenge for me. I ID some young looking woman and she turns out to be in her thirties. People in their twenties sound offended and shocked to be asked and then exclaim their age in a "you are being ridiculous" type way. I have started to mind less however, and many people are okay with id-ing. Sometimes I ID late thirties people and they are over the moon.

Supermarkets for most people are very in-between places. A stop-off before continuing with the rest of one's actual life, filled with deep emotion and profound experiences. But sometimes I wonder whether going to the Supermarket is the most significant and sociable part of the day for some people. The offers. The small talk. Being asked "Do you want any help packing?". Four for a pound. Reduced to clear. Free samples. Mix and match. Far more interactive and alive than a television. A nightclub for the lonely.

Irrational Thoughts

When my brain has a lot of time to think, when my thoughts tumble over each other and interweave and roam through the night endlessly, I usually end up bumping into some irrational ones. Argh they are frustrating. Knowing that they're not true and feeling that they aren't true seem to be two different things completely.

Well last night I was trying to go to sleep and I started to worry that my brain would wake up whilst I was sleeping. This tends to happen as I've blogged about previously but I've never "feared" this happening before. I thought about what a suffocating yet helpless situation it is, it seems something like a coma-like state and what if my body never awoke. What if they buried me and my brain is still alive? What a scary situation having to experience death as a living person.

I think it's something about being awake in the nighttime that provokes these thoughts as it feels like the rest of the country is asleep, so it makes you feel somewhat detached and unplugged from reality.

Reading this back, it seems ridiculous. But I suppose everyone worries more than they should over certain things.

I'd rather be cool than nice.

I was waiting in line to purchase some dvds from one of those shops where you can sell your dvds and electricals for money, and as I was waiting a man walks in and hands his CV to one of the assistants. Thanks, she said. And then he left the shop.

She gives it to some man in the back but the door was open, so I could see clearly. Man-in-back looks inquisitive for a second. After the assistant and man-in-back exchange a few words, he slowly screws up the CV. I could see it in slow-motion as it happened, and then they started laughing joyfully.

How Nice, I thought to myself.

I remember when I was unemployed and looking for a job. I used to find it quite difficult going into places and handing in things and asking for things, but I did it. Most of the time. Quite often.....sometimes. I would catch the bus into town and get inside the place I was applying for and feel too distressed to hand it in and run back out again and just go home...

So what I'm saying is, that person didn't see you doing that, but it might have been an emotional hurdle doing so, and you doing that adds to the disheartening situation.

It seems some people gain much more satisfaction and pleasure from appearing clever and hip rather than friendly. They happily sacrifice niceness for the other.

Contentment

I have been feeling quite peaceful today. Birds are tweeting, and the grey sky is sitting nicely above the backs of houses and cranes and a knocked down tree as the wind blows in through my bedroom window..

This made me think of contentment...I was going to say I am "overcome" with it but then I thought: is it something you are overcome with, does it blanket over all of your other emotions leaving you feeling at ease for that moment..or is it something beneath your other emotions. All of your feelings and distressing thoughts, an endless mound of rubble, and if you manage to dig past to the bottom you will disover the smooth surface of contentment?

Or it may just be down to interpretation of your situation. It might not be underneath the inner you or something that lays over you. Some people may endlessly feel content because they never think to want anything else other than what life has given them and just take things as they come.

Arghh, just as I finished this post it started hailing and now there are no clouds in the sky.