Euphoric Fear

It is strange. Before an event I cannot contemplate it happening, I don't seem to feel excitement subsequently and I am not filled with much wonder.

Throughout my exams at college I hardly did revision as I never believed the exams were real. They always felt dream-like. If I were to turn up for my exams and they said I am imagining things, I think I would have believed them. I think it was something to do with euphoric fear. Exams can be quite scary things, so much so that they seem from another world. This could be my brain's escape route.

I am going to see "Sleuth" at the theatre this evening but it is just a thought. I don't look forward to it, I don't wonder what will happen, whether it will be good. The thought is vague and misty, at the back of my head and it will stay there.

I seem to only to appreciate things properly in the aftermath. I look back and become filled with appreciation and happiness at the nice events that have happened. Although the past doesn't really exist, it feels more solid than the present and future. Maybe everyone experiences things like this, I just haven't spoken to anyone about it. :P

The whole of life seems a dream, it is so real and realistic, that it must be more of the dream world than the real world.

Sleep Paralysis

I have this quite often. It is a strange experience. At first I thought it was like Lucid Dreaming, which is it occasionally, but I find it to be very suffocating and restricting. I have noticed that I get it when I fall asleep during the day and then go to sleep at night.

It is a bizarre experience and I would be worried if I could be, but I feel calm and nonchalent when I am in this state, as if feelings are cut off.

Many times it feels like I'm floating or falling down a tunnel. I try to wake up but it feels like the dreamworld is dragging me back down. Sometimes I float to the top of my head and my body feels so heavy and lifeless and I can't move it or wake myself up.

Dreaming

When I am in control of my dreams,
which happens more often,
feels more real, and intense,
than my real life
I dream I can fly
I tell my brain
"Jenny, you can fly now"
and I do.
You may think I'm lying
Some sort of metaphor or
cliched poetic technique
but quite simply
it is true.