The Outcast

I went out with some lasses from work last night, as my Mum likes to say. She is happy for me! as she feels I'm acting normally now. She rang my Auntie to tell her the news.

There weren't many people about as it was Sunday, but we still had fun. We wandered about to different places and anyway, we ended up in this Night Club that played 'house' music. It was filled with fit birds and sexy lads and I started wondering the big questions in life such as, what is the point of existence? It felt like a place I didn't belong. The music was so loud it hurt, it was really smokey, and I felt sick. However, I think that might have partly been because we went to an 'All You Can Eat' restaurant beforehand.

It was quite nice to be socializing though since this is the second time I've been 'out' after spending ages in my room, hiding and crying.

Speaking of crying, I was upset on and off all of Friday afternoon as I read this really good book that annoyingly had to end. It was called 'The Outcast', it was the saddest and loveliest. I'm mentioning it as it was about a boy who had a turbulent experience in his childhood,

his Mum drowned in a river, and he was left to live with his father who was quite cold to him, and then soon got a stepmother who lost patience with his awkwardness. He wasn't a bad person but did things the society around him thought was bad - and I suppose people today would too - he also self-harmed which I don't think was understood in the fifties and so it was another thing to judge him by and be annoyed about why he did it.

But it takes you all through his childhood up until the age of nineteen when he finally, not really by his own choice, gets to break free from his past. Even though the protagonist did 'bad' things and was disliked by people who were around him not once do you ever dislike him, you can only feel empathy.

It changed my outlook on people. It really got across the idea that the people you meet in the moments you experience with them aren't so abstract. They come with miles of different experience, thoughts, ups and downs, that lead them to behave the way they do in that very moment you are with them. It makes me feel less judgmental towards people and only want to attempt to understand and empathize with them, because who knows what they have been through.

I really like being around children and babies (This is related). Even though I'm not good with babies as they are very demanding and temperamental. I'm not very authoritative or anything, but I find their company can be so enjoyable. They're innocent and just learning what life is all about. The world they are growing up in now will shape the adults they will become.

I look at adults and some you want to keep away from or just dislike, and I try and remember that they were a child once learning all about the world and how they belong in it, and maybe they grew up in a world where they had to harden themselves and develop different strategies or defense mechanisms in order to survive in it. It's hard to think about that I think, as a child seems so far away when you look at a fully formed adult, they are almost like 2 different creatures.

PS I know there are people who had great lives who are really mean and annoying anyway!

Accepting Jesus Christ into your heart.

I bumped into someone today from the dementia centre who volunteers there. I told him I was seeing a psychologist as I have a problem with anxiety. He seemed interested and non-judgmental but then started saying if I accept Jesus Christ into my heart then my problems will disperse, I'll be looked after. I'll be safe and sound.

He said he has gone down the wrong paths in the past and rejected God and then returned and Christ is the only way to happiness. People are drinking, doing drugs, etc for distractions, it's their medication because of spiritual unhappiness.

I felt uncomfortable with the idea of accepting Jesus. I used to believe in him a while ago but now it seems peculiar I ever did think that. I used to pray a lot when I was younger, that was because of anxiousness and loneliness and I was looking for solace. I'm not sure it actually helped. I think it was a psychological thing - believing someone is out there looking after you is comforting. I've not needed to do that since my mental health has improved and I feel I've grown out of it. God was like my invisible friend looking out for me. I feel more independent and more at peace in being alone now though.

My friend looked happy, content and full of purpose because of his religion. If he is happy because of this, then this can't be bad. It can't be bad stuff if he's happy inside his head, regardless of whether it is true or not.

He feels counsellors and psychologists and medication and things like that can't really help. They can to an extent but it's about your relationship with Jesus at the end of the day. I was annoyed by the idea of that, that my mental health is to do with loving Jesus rather than a result of my experiences. I'm also deciding whether to go into mental health nursing and this whole branch of nursing must be pointless and redundant if everyone with mental suffering are wayward who need to find their path to righteousness.

I am accepting of other people's beliefs though. I'm happy that he feels happiness from what he is believing. I can't just accept something I can't feel though.

I was thinking that if God was by chance created then there is every chance that the earth happened just by chance too.

Me and My Mum

I read this blog and the lady who writes it mentions the documentary that Tony Robinson made called 'Me and My Mum' which you can see here. I have just watched it as I am interested in dementia and the care of the elderly.

It was insightful seeing how people who have Alzheimer's affects their children and family.

I volunteer at a dementia centre. The attenders who come to the centre aren't as bad as Tony's Mum though and many can have conversations and some are physically able with just minor mobility problems. What makes it easy for me and I suspect the people who run the centre, and the other volunteers is the fact we are so detached. They are really cared for at the centre, but we have only known these people whilst they have had the dementia, this is who they are to us.

I don't know what it's like to witness someone you love disintegrate and crumble away, with fragments of the person still there or just sometimes there.

People say 'I don't want to end up in an old people's home' and then carry on with their lives, I do it too. But there are people in homes now who don't want to be in them. But like Tony said, no one seems really bothered about that. There are other options such as caring for your parents yourself. I can only imagine that this is a very intense thing, living with them and their illness for 24 hours a day and so a home seems a relief and a comfort even if it just basically keeping them in existence.

The documentary focused on Tony's experiences and feelings about it as his Mum couldn't even communicate. But it must be extremely difficult for the person who has it as well. People don't always understand dementia and even though they will know it's not the person's fault - I can imagine people get frustrated with them for their lack of memory, repetitiveness and confusion. But I think the person with dementia can feel lonely as it is a disability and they can't do what they once did and be as social and active. They are still the person they always was, they still have their hearts, it is just that something is destroying their minds and they have no control

From what I've witnessed at the centre, people can get anxious, distressed and confused. Wondering where they are and if they will ever go home. The dementia centre is such a warm and accepting environment though that it is a place that they can be themselves without feeling judged and all the volunteers and workers are really lovely and supportive and don't patronize people for their illness.

I think that is quite important as one of my biggest fears is being treat like a child and patronized, especially after having decades of adulthood. It must be an isolating and lonely thing.

I must also say a lot of the time the attenders are quite happy and a lot of them say how much they enjoy coming as a lot of fun does happen!

It seems a tricky subject, where I have lots of thoughts in my head about it but I'm not sure how to express them

Hospikal

I've started volunteering at the hospital. It's a good experience being on a ward, as the last time I was in hospital was for an hour or two when my niece was born. I am only a helper and so I don't have any important jobs to do, but I have been making beds and cleaning things and filling things up and helping give meals out.

It's a really big hospital and my ward is near the very top - I actually walked up to it today and it took me about 15 minutes and I had to stop to keep getting my breath back! It was visiting time and I didn't feel like going in a packed lift.

It's not like Casualty or Holby City. Everything is very slow and quiet. The odd beep, phone call, the squeak of the refreshment trolley. I think I was quite surprised by that as even though the current job I have - working on the checkouts in a supermarket - isn't as responsible - It seems far more intense although there is less skill involved! My job is constant and there is no let up, you can't walk away or anything, and your breaks are very strict and you have to be back pronto after them, whereas in this ward they go for numerous breaks and sit about often.

I have to say I've noticed this of the domestic assistants, support workers, etc, but not of the nurses but they sit at the main reception desk thing.

I really am enjoying myself there but I feel like a spare part as there isn't really much I can do. I feel eager to do more. I talk to the patients and I feel like I really want to care for them. The majority of patients are elderly. I sort of have an overprotectiveness of the elderly as I know they can be ignored and uncared about. I'm not saying that happens on this ward, but I just feel like I have more to give than tidying up. Hm.

I'm hoping to apply for University this September for nursing but I am still making my mind up which branch I want to go into-It's a scary decision as it will affect the rest of my life.

Nite Out

I went out into town on Saturday which was my first proper night out ever.

It's strange as I used to find it annoying people going on about being drunk like it's an achievement but when you're drunk you think you're so cool and unique and invincible. I went to the 80s bar called Reflex. I also did highly impressive things like dancing with strangers and falling flat on my back, which I will make sure to add to my CV and which I should also mention is extremely unlike me.

It's strange how you just want to tell people. It's like the most amazing thing ever. No inhibitions or anything.

It is a bit cringe-worthy to think back as I was boogieing on down in a room where no one else was dancing...but it just felt so right at the time. I went out about 8pm and then five minutes later it was 2am! I came home with an achey head and I ached all over the following day as I danced the night away but I want to go out and do it again and again.

It's also brilliant being with your own species who also lose their inhibitions too. I think being with other humans is so important..it really makes you feel alive.

Llandudno

I have just returned from the little victorian town, Llandudno. My sister came with us at the last minute and I'm really glad she did as I think I would have felt quite isolated as we were the youngest in the hotel and, it seemed, the youngest in Llandudno, as the tourists seem to all look over seventy.

I enjoy pursuits with the older generation as I go to a centre for people with dementia and I also have just started volunteering on a hospital ward for the elderly, and I find the people I've come across' company really lovely from my experiences, but in Llandudno I was starting to feel really self conscious and like I am living the wrong kind of life with the wrong generation!

I have mostly shopped til I dropped and eaten til I exploded on this holiday. I've also been experimenting with different drinks too, which is unusual for me as I never drink really! I also did a bit of dancing to the hotel entertainment, which was fun, I didn't mind as again everyone on the dance floor was 70+.

Here are a few photographs I've taken of my holiday:

I didn't take as many as I liked. The thing is I have a DSLR camera and it's starting to become a pain to carry during leisurely activities as it's not like I can fit it in my handbag.

ALSO something really annoying happened - I was walking along, eating a sandwich and a seagull swooped down and nicked it out of my hand!! I dislike seagulls now.

Overall, I've had fun...I am going 'down town' on Saturday night, which is a scary prospect..I'm hoping it will be a positive experience in making contact with people more my own age.

Blue Roses

Blue Roses is a singer and songwriter from Bradford. She's really, really good at writing and singing songs. She has this pure enchanting voice, and it's funny, as when she talks it's quite a broad Yorkshire accent. I'm not saying that's bad as I like enchanting voices and broad Yorkshire accents in equal measure. I originally discovered her on Myspace Music over a year ago. She's recently released her self-titled debut album and I highly recommend it if you like guitary dreamy folky lovely-ness, which I know isn't everyone's slice of cake

http://www.myspace.com/musicofblueroses

www.musicofblueroses.com