A blog by Jenny.

The Outcast

2009-08-03T00:07:00.000-07:00

I went out with some lasses from work last night, as my Mum likes to say. She is happy for me! as she feels I'm acting normally now. She rang my Auntie to tell her the news.

There weren't many people about as it was Sunday, but we still had fun. We wandered about to different places and anyway, we ended up in this Night Club that played 'house' music. It was filled with fit birds and sexy lads and I started wondering the big questions in life such as, what is the point of existence? It felt like a place I didn't belong. The music was so loud it hurt, it was really smokey, and I felt sick. However, I think that might have partly been because we went to an 'All You Can Eat' restaurant beforehand.

It was quite nice to be socializing though since this is the second time I've been 'out' after spending ages in my room, hiding and crying.

Speaking of crying, I was upset on and off all of Friday afternoon as I read this really good book that annoyingly had to end. It was called 'The Outcast', it was the saddest and loveliest. I'm mentioning it as it was about a boy who had a turbulent experience in his childhood,

his Mum drowned in a river, and he was left to live with his father who was quite cold to him, and then soon got a stepmother who lost patience with his awkwardness. He wasn't a bad person but did things the society around him thought was bad - and I suppose people today would too - he also self-harmed which I don't think was understood in the fifties and so it was another thing to judge him by and be annoyed about why he did it.

But it takes you all through his childhood up until the age of nineteen when he finally, not really by his own choice, gets to break free from his past. Even though the protagonist did 'bad' things and was disliked by people who were around him not once do you ever dislike him, you can only feel empathy.

It changed my outlook on people. It really got across the idea that the people you meet in the moments you experience with them aren't so abstract. They come with miles of different experience, thoughts, ups and downs, that lead them to behave the way they do in that very moment you are with them. It makes me feel less judgmental towards people and only want to attempt to understand and empathize with them, because who knows what they have been through.

I really like being around children and babies (This is related). Even though I'm not good with babies as they are very demanding and temperamental. I'm not very authoritative or anything, but I find their company can be so enjoyable. They're innocent and just learning what life is all about. The world they are growing up in now will shape the adults they will become.

I look at adults and some you want to keep away from or just dislike, and I try and remember that they were a child once learning all about the world and how they belong in it, and maybe they grew up in a world where they had to harden themselves and develop different strategies or defense mechanisms in order to survive in it. It's hard to think about that I think, as a child seems so far away when you look at a fully formed adult, they are almost like 2 different creatures.

PS I know there are people who had great lives who are really mean and annoying anyway!

Accepting Jesus Christ into your heart.

2009-07-30T07:59:00.000-07:00

I bumped into someone today from the dementia centre who volunteers there. I told him I was seeing a psychologist as I have a problem with anxiety. He seemed interested and non-judgmental but then started saying if I accept Jesus Christ into my heart then my problems will disperse, I'll be looked after. I'll be safe and sound.

He said he has gone down the wrong paths in the past and rejected God and then returned and Christ is the only way to happiness. People are drinking, doing drugs, etc for distractions, it's their medication because of spiritual unhappiness.

I felt uncomfortable with the idea of accepting Jesus. I used to believe in him a while ago but now it seems peculiar I ever did think that. I used to pray a lot when I was younger, that was because of anxiousness and loneliness and I was looking for solace. I'm not sure it actually helped. I think it was a psychological thing - believing someone is out there looking after you is comforting. I've not needed to do that since my mental health has improved and I feel I've grown out of it. God was like my invisible friend looking out for me. I feel more independent and more at peace in being alone now though.

My friend looked happy, content and full of purpose because of his religion. If he is happy because of this, then this can't be bad. It can't be bad stuff if he's happy inside his head, regardless of whether it is true or not.

He feels counsellors and psychologists and medication and things like that can't really help. They can to an extent but it's about your relationship with Jesus at the end of the day. I was annoyed by the idea of that, that my mental health is to do with loving Jesus rather than a result of my experiences. I'm also deciding whether to go into mental health nursing and this whole branch of nursing must be pointless and redundant if everyone with mental suffering are wayward who need to find their path to righteousness.

I am accepting of other people's beliefs though. I'm happy that he feels happiness from what he is believing. I can't just accept something I can't feel though.

I was thinking that if God was by chance created then there is every chance that the earth happened just by chance too.

Me and My Mum

2009-07-23T07:23:00.001-07:00

I read this blog and the lady who writes it mentions the documentary that Tony Robinson made called 'Me and My Mum' which you can see here. I have just watched it as I am interested in dementia and the care of the elderly.

It was insightful seeing how people who have Alzheimer's affects their children and family.

I volunteer at a dementia centre. The attenders who come to the centre aren't as bad as Tony's Mum though and many can have conversations and some are physically able with just minor mobility problems. What makes it easy for me and I suspect the people who run the centre, and the other volunteers is the fact we are so detached. They are really cared for at the centre, but we have only known these people whilst they have had the dementia, this is who they are to us.

I don't know what it's like to witness someone you love disintegrate and crumble away, with fragments of the person still there or just sometimes there.

People say 'I don't want to end up in an old people's home' and then carry on with their lives, I do it too. But there are people in homes now who don't want to be in them. But like Tony said, no one seems really bothered about that. There are other options such as caring for your parents yourself. I can only imagine that this is a very intense thing, living with them and their illness for 24 hours a day and so a home seems a relief and a comfort even if it just basically keeping them in existence.

The documentary focused on Tony's experiences and feelings about it as his Mum couldn't even communicate. But it must be extremely difficult for the person who has it as well. People don't always understand dementia and even though they will know it's not the person's fault - I can imagine people get frustrated with them for their lack of memory, repetitiveness and confusion. But I think the person with dementia can feel lonely as it is a disability and they can't do what they once did and be as social and active. They are still the person they always was, they still have their hearts, it is just that something is destroying their minds and they have no control

From what I've witnessed at the centre, people can get anxious, distressed and confused. Wondering where they are and if they will ever go home. The dementia centre is such a warm and accepting environment though that it is a place that they can be themselves without feeling judged and all the volunteers and workers are really lovely and supportive and don't patronize people for their illness.

I think that is quite important as one of my biggest fears is being treat like a child and patronized, especially after having decades of adulthood. It must be an isolating and lonely thing.

I must also say a lot of the time the attenders are quite happy and a lot of them say how much they enjoy coming as a lot of fun does happen!

It seems a tricky subject, where I have lots of thoughts in my head about it but I'm not sure how to express them

Hospikal

2009-07-13T13:49:00.000-07:00

I've started volunteering at the hospital. It's a good experience being on a ward, as the last time I was in hospital was for an hour or two when my niece was born. I am only a helper and so I don't have any important jobs to do, but I have been making beds and cleaning things and filling things up and helping give meals out.

It's a really big hospital and my ward is near the very top - I actually walked up to it today and it took me about 15 minutes and I had to stop to keep getting my breath back! It was visiting time and I didn't feel like going in a packed lift.

It's not like Casualty or Holby City. Everything is very slow and quiet. The odd beep, phone call, the squeak of the refreshment trolley. I think I was quite surprised by that as even though the current job I have - working on the checkouts in a supermarket - isn't as responsible - It seems far more intense although there is less skill involved! My job is constant and there is no let up, you can't walk away or anything, and your breaks are very strict and you have to be back pronto after them, whereas in this ward they go for numerous breaks and sit about often.

I have to say I've noticed this of the domestic assistants, support workers, etc, but not of the nurses but they sit at the main reception desk thing.

I really am enjoying myself there but I feel like a spare part as there isn't really much I can do. I feel eager to do more. I talk to the patients and I feel like I really want to care for them. The majority of patients are elderly. I sort of have an overprotectiveness of the elderly as I know they can be ignored and uncared about. I'm not saying that happens on this ward, but I just feel like I have more to give than tidying up. Hm.

I'm hoping to apply for University this September for nursing but I am still making my mind up which branch I want to go into-It's a scary decision as it will affect the rest of my life.

Nite Out

2009-07-13T09:00:00.000-07:00

I went out into town on Saturday which was my first proper night out ever.

It's strange as I used to find it annoying people going on about being drunk like it's an achievement but when you're drunk you think you're so cool and unique and invincible. I went to the 80s bar called Reflex. I also did highly impressive things like dancing with strangers and falling flat on my back, which I will make sure to add to my CV and which I should also mention is extremely unlike me.

It's strange how you just want to tell people. It's like the most amazing thing ever. No inhibitions or anything.

It is a bit cringe-worthy to think back as I was boogieing on down in a room where no one else was dancing...but it just felt so right at the time. I went out about 8pm and then five minutes later it was 2am! I came home with an achey head and I ached all over the following day as I danced the night away but I want to go out and do it again and again.

It's also brilliant being with your own species who also lose their inhibitions too. I think being with other humans is so important..it really makes you feel alive.

Llandudno

2009-07-10T12:44:00.000-07:00

I have just returned from the little victorian town, Llandudno. My sister came with us at the last minute and I'm really glad she did as I think I would have felt quite isolated as we were the youngest in the hotel and, it seemed, the youngest in Llandudno, as the tourists seem to all look over seventy.

I enjoy pursuits with the older generation as I go to a centre for people with dementia and I also have just started volunteering on a hospital ward for the elderly, and I find the people I've come across' company really lovely from my experiences, but in Llandudno I was starting to feel really self conscious and like I am living the wrong kind of life with the wrong generation!

I have mostly shopped til I dropped and eaten til I exploded on this holiday. I've also been experimenting with different drinks too, which is unusual for me as I never drink really! I also did a bit of dancing to the hotel entertainment, which was fun, I didn't mind as again everyone on the dance floor was 70+.

Here are a few photographs I've taken of my holiday:

I didn't take as many as I liked. The thing is I have a DSLR camera and it's starting to become a pain to carry during leisurely activities as it's not like I can fit it in my handbag.

ALSO something really annoying happened - I was walking along, eating a sandwich and a seagull swooped down and nicked it out of my hand!! I dislike seagulls now.

Overall, I've had fun...I am going 'down town' on Saturday night, which is a scary prospect..I'm hoping it will be a positive experience in making contact with people more my own age.

Blue Roses

2009-06-26T11:04:00.000-07:00

Blue Roses is a singer and songwriter from Bradford. She's really, really good at writing and singing songs. She has this pure enchanting voice, and it's funny, as when she talks it's quite a broad Yorkshire accent. I'm not saying that's bad as I like enchanting voices and broad Yorkshire accents in equal measure. I originally discovered her on Myspace Music over a year ago. She's recently released her self-titled debut album and I highly recommend it if you like guitary dreamy folky lovely-ness, which I know isn't everyone's slice of cake

http://www.myspace.com/musicofblueroses

www.musicofblueroses.com

Deery Me

2009-06-24T14:35:00.000-07:00

Today I went to Beauchief and managed to take a few photographs of the deer there. They look really peaceful creatures and there were bambi's running around too but I didn't manage to take any of them!

I've been experimenting and I think they look really striking in sepia tone. This might become a habit where I think the whole world looks better in sepia.

There are a few more pictures on my Flickr page.

Animalism

2009-05-29T14:13:00.001-07:00

I went to the National Media Museum a few weeks ago which is located in Bradford in West Yorkshire - it is well-known for the Imax Cinema. There was a photography exhibition on called 'Animalism'. I really enjoyed this exhibition. It was a variety of different photographers work. I really like animals- I think they are amazing to see aesthetically and in nature.

There was something written on the wall of the exhibition which made me think:

'Our visually driven society tends to give animals human characteristics to make them seem more like us. This exhibition, however, considers the animal gaze and the ways in which animals see us, quite simply, as other animals, rather than distinctly and uniquely human.'

I do that. I can really only understand my own mind and the way humans think - not in a scientific way - just the way we all can. I don't really understand what animals are 'thinking'. I know they run on instinct but I do tend to see animals to be like myself.

There are two cats that live in the area that come and visit the house. When I walk past them in the street and they are alone I feel like they might be experiencing loneliness. I see their life and I feel like it is lonely because I know they like attention and being fussed over. I've been lonely before and I feel like if I was in their position, I would feel unhappy. Yes this is ridiculous. I don't think animals feel loneliness but I still feel a pang in my stomach. I don't like to see them sitting alone.

I dislike birds in cages and I feel sad when I see leads digging into dog's necks because they want to run so fast but can't. Dogs needs to be on leads for their safety in the man-made world and so they don't run away, and I think dogs might actually like leads and feeling like they have an owner but many dogs want to run so fast and never get the chance.

I'm probably sounding insane now. I just tend to empathize with animals from a human's point of view.

Here are a few images that were in the exhibition by the photographer Pieter Hugo called 'THE HYENA AND OTHER MEN' and I as a person who likes to see fluffy lil animals looking cute n hapi found this quite haunting and brutal:

P.S The exhibition is running til the 27th of September. CLICK HERE for more information.

New Lens

2009-05-29T13:48:00.000-07:00

I have recently bought a new lens and I am really impressed with it. It is a Tamron 70-300mm and has a 1:2 macro function. This means I can take pictures of things from quite a distance away and also focus very close up on things like flowers. It's great for capturing tiny details sometimes missed with my other lens. I feel slightly rude because I take pictures of flowers and then am not sure what they are called. Same with birds. I have a book about British wildlife to help though.

Here are a few photographs I've taken with the lens:

I included the photograph of the blurry bird as I think it would have been a good image if only it was in focus! I just wasn't quick enough fiddling with the camera and then it had flown away.

Eyes of a Child

2009-05-07T13:16:00.000-07:00

I, like everyone, was once a child but the feelings and perceptions that I had as a child have gone. I see the world from an 'adult''s perspective now.

I find it fascinating but perplexing the way children see things. It's hard for me to even describe what that might be. It's more of a vague notion or like looking at something but having to squint my eyes to see it properly.

I was playing with my 5 year old neice in the garden today and we were playing with her toy gardening tools and I was using the rake and she said I was using it wrong, and I responded 'I don't know everything' and she said 'But you're 20'.

It made me think about how when I was a small child I didn't question the authority of adults and assumed they knew best. It was almost like the adults were a different species to us children, living beside us as we were living in another world of toys coming to life, games, father christmas and tooth fairies.

I remember once I slept in the middle of my parents in their bed as I was afraid of the tooth fairy coming into my room. And on a separate occasion I lost my tooth in the school playground, so I wrote a letter and put it under my pillow, telling the tooth fairy where I had lost it and asking can I still have the cash please. Things that are magical are so easy to believe when little. I remember that believing in something that you can't see is an exciting thing when a child.

I played with dolls and little characters when I was younger, and set up different scenarios for them - I enjoyed doing this as it felt real to me. If I were to do this now I wouldn't get any pleasure from it, but when I was a child each game I made up was like becoming engrossed in a favorite film - you feel you are there and believe it is happening.

It's one of the things that make children so special and fun, the fact that they act naturally and behave in a more natural and free sort of way. The only people who will truly know what the child can see is the child themselves, but it would be nice to feel what it is like once more.

The Animal Farm

2009-05-03T12:37:00.000-07:00

Last week I went to Graves Park with my college friend to take some pictures of the surroundings. We ended up spending all of our time in the animal farm. It was the first time I've been to this park which is a shame really as it is only 15 minutes away with a car.

There are a wide variety of creatures living in the farm and it was a joy to be around other species of animals. I didn't take pictures of the ducks for some reason, but I felt sad for them as they were in a pen but there was no pond. I do hope that they have some swimming arrangements sorted as it seems unnatural - ducks without water.

I liked the inquisitive goat, however I wasn't sure whether it's okay to stroke them as I'm not sure if they are known for biting..or not..? I also saw a lone chicken flapping about and motioning her head back and forward. I saw some pigeons sitting on a roof too. All in all, a fun and interesting day.

Emotional Learning

2009-04-20T10:17:00.000-07:00

A young Mum and Dad came to my till whilst I was working. They looked angry, bitter and short tempered. They had two children who they kept shouting at and telling them to shut up and behave, they had vicious voices, when I wasn't really sure what the children were doing. I even heard him tell his girlfriend to "shut the fuck up" at one point. All they bought were a load of Pot Noodles and various other readymade stuff. It's only a snapshot of that family but it has been lingering on my mind for a while.

It just makes me wonder what kind of environment the children are growing up in if they talk to their children and each other like that. I haven't had children myself, but I think some people must think just keeping the children alive is all that is necessary for parenthood. They're burdens and you just have to drag them through the days with you. That children aren't precious beings, they own them and can do what they like with them - they did make them after all.

I was thinking that in many deprived areas children do tend to have behaviour problems and have pasttimes of crime and smoking and no aspirations. I think one thing that may help is if they had "emotional learning" classes in school. I don't think a few classes about the birds and the bees is very good. I remember I had only one lesson on it where I was given a carrot and a condom and left to my own devices, then we watched a 30 minute VHS about it too. So many girls in my year at school have their own kids now and quite a few girls were pregnant in year 11 at school.

If in schools it was as compulsory as P.E to have weekly or monthly classes about all aspects of relationships, emotions, life, then I think it would be helpful, as with many families at home their parents don't have the skills to teach them such things.

Relationships and emotions are the centre of us as human beings, so it should be considered important enough to explore in schools.

Better out than in

2009-04-18T13:19:00.000-07:00

Six breadcakes (Or "bread rolls" I think they are called if you aren't from Yorkshire-y areas...!)
A pile of chips
Two Magnums (the icecreams, not weapons. However ammo probably would have been the healthier option)

I feel gluttonous. Reading the words make me feel sick.

I have a strange relationship with food. All my life I have stuffed it into my mouth until I've felt sick and everyday is always the planned day that I will never eat badly ever again. Weight Watchers is more like a revolution in my life than a healthy eating plan as it has changed the way I am with food. Well it has curbed my habits with food. I need someone to be watching over me, and someone to report to weekly about my eating habits, otherwise I will descend into unhealthy eating and then my weight will ascend.

The way I lust after food worries me. Before I take my first few bites, I think it's the best thing I could possibly do and will make me happier than anything. It follows with guilt and thoughts of self-loathing.

Yet I still continue.

I enjoy Weight Watchers as I can eat most things and feel guilt free. I do get hungry, and long for chocolate sometimes but I am still carrying on with it.

I think the important thing with losing weight is persistance. One of the things that puts people off attending the weigh-in is if they have put weight on and have to face their gain on the scales in front of someone. I find this helpful as it gives me a reality check and helps regain my motivation. You have to accept that some weeks will be "bad" and you might "go off track". If you can accept this will happen, and you might go a few steps back from time to time, it's easier to carry on ahead.

I was just over 13 stone when I began my new way of eating and I'm around 10 and a half stone now...it does feel like a burden has lifted but also like I have a long way to go, and this struggle with food and the desire to eat and eat, will be with me for life...so I guess I will be attending Weight Watchers for a very long time.

Little Rat

2009-04-12T12:40:00.000-07:00

Like pigeons, rats are considered vermin in society. They go all over the place scavaging for food. I took this photograph of a dead rat and showed it to my Mum but she didn't have sympathy because it's "vermin".

I think if a rat jumped upto me and viciously attacked me, and I ran down the street and it still didn't stop chasing me, I'd have less sympathy with this particular rat and have reservations when coming across other rats and probably write a blog post about the Horrible Rats.

But that hasn't happened and from my experience they scurry about, keeping out of people's way, living the life that was thrust upon them as best that they can, like all creatures.

I suppose if they were inhabiting in your home they would be a nuisance. I haven't personally lived in a "rat infested" home luckily, and if I did I probably would resort to a mouse trap, or the least painful thing out there if there is anything. Apparently they are covered in disease, it makes my argument to like rats a bit more difficult, but still, it's only because of their life as outsiders they are like this-what they have inside them and covering them is horrible, but they aren't malicious.

I may be hypocritical with my sympathy as when it comes to insects inside my house and things like that I want the motherfuckers dead. I do try and waft insects out of a window if possible and I'm not really bothered about wood lice and things like that as they can't hurt me.

However, once when I was sleeping in my sister's new house in New Zealand I awoke in the middle of the night to find the wall covered in ants. I spent the rest of the night upset and scared, trying to lay as still as possible..the next morning they were all over the walls in the house, in the cupboards, on the floor..it was really horrible. I had no empathy for them then, I just cared about a non-infested house and being able to sleep peacefully.

I suppose, in conclusion, I don't mind rats as long as they keep out of my way, and all other non-cute, non-sociable creatures which they have done so far.

Err

2009-03-21T15:34:00.000-07:00

as I was waiting in a queue in the supermarket I was shocked at what I heard...it was very busy and a man and woman stood in the queue behind me but then they noticed the cashier was asian and when the woman saw she said oh god a paki baki (whatever that means), the man asked her if she wanted to move to another till and they did, even though the queue on the other till was longer.

It sounded like she had such hate and prejudice over this person because of his ethnic origin.

It's a strange world.

Never Can Say Goodbye

2009-03-17T16:18:00.000-07:00

If there has been one musician who has been significant in my life it is Michael Jackson. I've been a really big fan ever since I was a little girl. I used to watch the film "Moonwalker" all the time, I also had videos of him in concert, and knew every album and every word off by heart.

I used to imagine Michael was my special invisible friend, and I was the only one who could see him. He would come and visit me in the playground at school...Those daydreams were quite comforting to me when I was little as I didn't really have friends but I felt close to Michael. I think I spent a large part of my childhood daydreaming about things like that!

I like how his songs are about a variety of things as many singers seem to like writing about love and how they love someone and how they no longer love someone but he had many different angles on love...for example...

Billie Jean (A woman who is claiming he impregnated her and now she has his child.)

Ben (About the profound love between boy and rat)

Dirty Diana (About a woman forcing herself sexually on MJ)

I thought I would share some of my favourite songs but these are my favourite songs of the moment, so may change from time to time:

Never Can Say Goodbye

Get On The Floor

Can't Help It

They Don't Care About Us

Who is it?

Dangerous

I feel sorry for Michael Jackson when it comes to the media as nobody seems to take into account he is probably very messed up and suffering psychologically. It has been said he had a very harsh childhood and has had nothing but a life which is alien to the majority of humans. The media just use the vaguely humorous phrase "wacko jacko" which doesn't take into account all the problems he clearly has....

It's a free world

2009-03-14T14:40:00.000-07:00

I watched a film the other day called "it's a free world..." which was directed by Ken Loach. It was an interesting and thought provoking film about a woman setting up her own recruitment agency for foreign workers, but it was quite bitter in places.

We live in a multi-cultural society, but I feel like there is a divide between British people and people from other countries. I live in an area where there is a large population of non-British people, but generally these people all live together in the same area and Us British live in all the other local places. When I was at school I had a few foreign friends but I could feel the divide and differences, like they felt they had to keep themselves to themselves..which was a shame really.

"Illegal immigrants" and even "immigrants" is such a harsh word/phrase. It creates images of people wanting to 'use our benefits' and who want a free ride. It doesn't connote the individual and their life and situation.

I've found from personal experience people tend to get annoyed about immigration and asian (for example) people coming over for all the benefits and generally "being everywhere", but I've noticed when people tend to get to know an individual whatever race - depending on what the individual is like as a person of course - they drop whatever assumptions they previously had.

It seems quite a complex issue but I can't really pass a judgement as I believe they are simply coming over for a better life. If I was in a different situation and had the chance for a better life somewhere, for myself and my children (if I had any) I would do everything I could for a better life.

But regardless of these factors, it can't be an "easy ride". I can imagine it would be extremely isolating and strange being in a new country especially if you can't speak English or can't speak English very well.

The film also highlighted what a tough time the foreign people have as they were paid below the minimum wage and work very long hours. The phrase "foreign workers" seems so disheartening, as it trivialises them down to simply being a machine to work, and forgets the human within.

I know these people are people, so not everyone is good, or has good intentions and things like that, but I think it's sad how there is so much stigma, stereotypes, and negativity surrounding these people when everyone is an individual at the beginning of the day.

Baby Pigeons

2009-03-04T06:42:00.000-08:00

I was in a discussion with someone and it raised the thought in my head that I've never seen a baby pigeon. I have thought about this previously but never thought to discover what they look like or discover why I have never seen them. For things like this, it makes the internet amazing. Before internet, I would have had to search libraries for a book about them but now everything I need to know is at the end of my fingertips.

Pigeons are outcasts in society. Eating whatever they find, being chased by kids, and you, or at least I always see a few limping or with broken wings. No one wants to touch them and you're meant to stay away because they're filthy.

Now I have seen the featured picture I know what they look like...they look a bit strange and pathetically cute to be honest...but I suppose humans are a bit weird too when they are first born.

Well the second thought I had has been addressed: why do you never see baby pigeons? Thinking about it, it's so obvious! I mean, I wouldn't let my own child go parading the streets alone as a baby and pigeons can't afford prams. Also when I first got my cat, I wouldn't let her out of the house til she was 1! And again, I never see any other baby animals out and about. I suppose it's just that people don't associate baby pigeons with 'cuteness' or even as an interesting creature, they're vermin. They aren't on birthday cards or tv shows or kept in incubators so little children can see how they grow...

This is from the Guardian website which is quite interesting and informative:

Why do you never see baby pigeons?

Amy Boughton, London, UK

Because you haven't looked in the right place. They are in the nest making feathers which will give them the appearance of an adult pigeon. Young pigeons, or squabs, make a very tasty food which was much more popular in past centuries when dovecotes were constructed to encourage pigeons to nest and provide meat.

Richard Avery, Seville, Spain

This is one of those questions that gets repeated all the time without anyone ever actually thinking about it very hard. Pigeons don't fledge (leave the nest) until they are almost adult-sized and those that don't know what to look for can't tell a baby pigeon from an adult one. In the case of Woodpigeons (the fat ones that you see on your lawn), the young ones are those without a white flash on the neck. I saw one last night, actually, whilst having dinner in my garden. You'll probably see them everywhere now you know what they look like.

Max Wurr, Stanmore, United Kingdom

I once saw one that fell out of its nest during heavy winds and an uglier monstrosity you will never see.

Chris Steele, Linton, England

On a final note, this song reminds me of the sadness of pigeons:

Beginning Spring

2009-03-01T13:52:00.001-08:00

I have noticed it has been staying lighter longer recently. Today the sky was blue with white clouds as apposed to the grey with added greyness it usually likes to sport. Even though I like winter and by the end of summer I am usually gagging for it, I'm ready for the nice weather again!

Aspects of Spring/Summer I like:

Evenings with daylight. It's nice being able to walk home and it still be light at night.
Sunshine and warmthIE not having to wear 5 layers of clothing and thermal underwear
Lifted mood. I really think the nicer weather lifts people's moods, it does me anyway..the longer days make the days feel more alive and like the day something to be seized, rather than feeling like life is for hibernating indoors away from the cold.

Aspects of Spring/Summer I dislike:

Insects, especially flying ones. Particularly moths and wasps. The especially scary ones are the unidentified insects that you've never seen before, they scare me because I've no idea of what they can do!
Sunshine and Warmth IE having to live in front of a fan as it is so warm. I shouldn't complain though really!
Feeling really awkward as the weather makes you want to wear less clothes but you feel really fat...but hopefully I won't feel like this this year as I am quite a bit thinner than last summer.

In conclusion, I am quite contrary!

Dementia Centre

2009-02-24T09:24:00.000-08:00

I've started volunteering at a Dementia centre. It is a group where people with dementia can come and socialise and relax with sufferers similar to them. My job as a volunteer is to sit with the attenders and chat and look through books with them, listen to music from the past, and eat dinner and have lots of tea and biscuits in between. I was slightly nervous at first, but I settled in extremely quickly.

Everyone is very friendly and sociable and it must be good to be in a patient and caring and upbeat environment for them.

All of the attenders are really lovely. They are all of the older generation, some are nearing ninety and I think a few are in their nineties!

I think when you become "the older generation" you tend to lose your identity. You become a "granny" or an "old person" or a "senior citizen" and you overlook them as people. I mean society in general, not you personally. But if you are overlooked when you are older, it makes society that we live in seem quite superficial.

I was going to use the example that : many of these people will have had a first day of school, the first day of their jobs and a last day of working. Cried in bed and had labour contractions, gone dancing, and made sandcastles with their brothers and sisters.

But I thought it was patronising as if they aren't even human anymore!

That wasn't the point I wanted to get across. I just feel that when you age you are still the same as you ever was, they have all been children, young men and women, ladies and gentlemen etc, you just slow down a bit but have so many years and experiences behind you.

It just seems like when you are a person of an older age, that is forgotten...and I think people with dementia are seen like this even more so and you think they are lost within this diagnosis when there is still a person there.

Losing it.

2009-02-24T09:07:00.001-08:00

I'm anxious at the moment. I lost my swipe-in card, locker key, and smartcard (so I can get in the building) for work (they are all attached together you see.) This seems a pretty normal event but in 2009 I have already lost my locker key once before, had 2 new smartcards because I broke them both, and then lost my new one, and lost my swipe-in card again!

I don't tend to lose things easily, so it's really annoying that I keep losing these.

I'm annoyed at myself but I'm scared what they will say - I imagine tears (from me) and I am thinking of a dramatic speech about how I will guard it with my life and dedicate my life to not losing the card. They were really awkward the first time I lost it so who knows what they will be like now.

I've tipped the house upside down looking for it. I've got the torch out and looked down the back of everything, looked in places it never could be (like the oven or fridge) and looked in the same spot twice and found things that I previously couldn't find before.

Oh dear.

-----
OMG. The *moment* I posted this entry my Mum came down and had found it! It was in a pile of my Mum's clothes in the loft! No wonder I didn't find it but I'm so ecstatic now! YAY.

Vegetable Soup...

2009-02-22T12:18:00.001-08:00

I made vegetable soup the other day and it was a success! I'm especially pleased with it as I don't really like vegetables. I grimace when I eat a salad and I only like carrots, potatoes and sweetcorn apart from that. Cucumbers and lettuce are quite nice.

So I'm thrilled I like a soup that includes:
Leeks
Carrots
Turnip
Red Onion
Celery

ALSO I'm also really happy because I'm on the Weight Watchers diet and the soup is zero points and very filling. I think I will just live on it now

Recipe:
Chunkily chop all of the vegetables up(peel the carrots, and the top layer of the leek, and red onion, cut the purple stuff off of the turnip) put them in a pan, cover with water, add vegetable stock, bring it to the boil and then let it simmer for 1.5 hours. Then whizz it all up with a blender.

How Exciting!

19 Million Hens in the UK live in cages...

2009-02-20T13:44:00.000-08:00

I posted about carrier bags the other day and commented that to live without damaging the world around us seems an uphill struggle. I wish there was a "for dummies" guide on it all. I'm a vegetarian and I also try and eat free range eggs (which a lot of people do), but it took a short while to realise how many products I buy, have non-free range eggs used in them...

I've been researching online and found this useful information on the Battery Hen Welfare Trust charity website:

"

A staggering 65% of UK battery eggs are used by food manufacturers.

If you buy any of the following you could inadvertently be purchasing eggs laid by battery hens:

Cake
Pasta
Chocolates (fondant filled)
Quiche
Ready made Yorkshire Puddings
Ready made Pancakes
Biscuits
Ready meals
Noodles"

Informative Websites

I don't preach to people who eat meat, but for me in the past, the reason I happily ate any egg I ever saw or any sort of meat was because I didn't really engage with the suffering involved. To be honest even now it's so easy to buy, for example, an egg sandwich, and it's an afterthought, the life of suffering the chicken will have. I suppose unless it was a life or death situation, I couldn't end the life of a chicken or a pig myself, the only reason I ever ate it is because it comes in a little packaged box and says "sausages". A friendly little word really. In conclusion, it is a lot to take in..but I am going to do my best and buy ethical foods.

Writing is hard work.

2009-02-16T06:52:00.000-08:00

Reusable Bags

2009-02-15T10:15:00.000-08:00

In the supermarket that I work in we have recently stopped giving people plastic carrier bags. This has annoyed many customers as they have to either buy bags or bring their own. We have Bags For Life at five pence each, which are made with recycled plastic - and if you keep bringing them back each time you shop and they suffer wear and tear, we give you another one for free! I keep trying to emphasize this point to angry customers.

I have had these responses many times:
-That's ridiculous.
-I'm not buying your bags and I'm not putting it in my trolley without bags, so what do you expect me to do?
-I'm not buying bags..I'm leaving my shopping.
-I'm not shopping here again. I'm going to Tesco.
-I can't believe you can spend £100 but still have to buy bags.. but that's okay cos I'll just nick your trolley.

:|

I sort-of understand why people are annoyed as I turned upto work and asked where the bags were, and then was informed that we no longer had any! I can understand that it might be a bit of a shock to some people..and since there is a "recession" spending extra money isn't what you want to do. But then again, at our supermarket (and I presume many others) asking you to buy reusable bags or bring your own has been going on for ages.

People probably hear in the news, and shops, that you should bring your bags and they know it's to do with the environment but I don't think people have been properly educated to make them care enough. I know I haven't..not until I've been browsing about them online. And I still don't feel I really know enough - since the government are trying to ban carrier bags I think they should make a leaflet explaining all the reasons why this is a good thing - at least to ease people's anger.

One reason that I think is very important and makes me want to be more conscious environmentally is the fact that Leatherback Turtles are mistaking plastic bags for jellyfish and eating them, the plastic gets twisted up in their organs and kills them... "Many of our plastic bags travel along rivers and streams and end up out at sea. Leatherback Turtles coming to UK waters for jelly fish are increasingly mistaking our plastic bags for jellyfish." - www.turtlebags.co.uk

Since our lives have been made so easy and quick, it actually seems an uphill struggle trying to live without causing some sort of damage to the world around us. But I feel more motivated to try and be more "green".

Secret Diary

2009-02-12T14:11:00.000-08:00

I was cleaning out my room when I came across a diary I had written in when I was 11 and 12. It was interesting reading it as I seem so..young. At the time I thought I was the height of maturity. It's not very in-depth or well written, and I've included all the entries I've written in the diary I just didn't write in it very often! There are quite a few spelling mistakes and at the time I liked to use the word "bitch" a lot and liked to rate each day out of ten....

12th April 2002
Kate didn't come
I hanged about with Mouna
I did PE - netball.

7/10

15th April

Didnt walk up to school with amy she was late i think. ignored and shouted at me - bitch.
Kate didnt come
got moved down a set in maths
ITS BETTER i think
NOT AS MANY PEOPLE
Amy wen walking from school said hello only to kirsty
I think she likes her better than me

8/10

17th April
went in the car to school with amy
bitch in science copied my work so i was bored
walked home Kate said 'coming out' to Luke "N" Kirsty and
coming to skool 2morro Jen

5/10

9th of May
amy is always late - told her she said
"God you always yoused to be late you look like you are going to cry" bitch!
Sat next to Jonny in humanities
was ok
My hamster didnet come out yesterday

4/10

10th of may
Did rounders it was ok.

23rd of May
Did P.E
Sarah keeps errgnoring me and going off with Donna, she dosnt want to hang out with me after skool.
She asked Laura if she was cumin out - bitch
Sarah R, Kirsty & Hailie kept makin fun of me cus i had greasy hair and yesterday Sarah knicked my nice pen. i hate her.
Sarah is my only real m8 and she dosnt want to hang out

5/10

24th of May
big brother starts today at 9 i am exited
i had P.E today i am trying not to do very well in P.E cus i dont want to get moved up next year.
Sarah ignores me she says she did cus i ignored her but she was the one ignoring me.
i am on the internet now seeya
Jenny

7/10

4th September
I start school 2morroe "Oh No"
I started my period August 29th Yey
Dont wanna go 2 school
"HATE IT"

2nd December 2002
hello since i wrote life has gone down hill.
i have no friends . i thought since kate goes to the shops she would treat me better.
she treats me worse. i feel so lonley. I miss Leo. Im not at school. I am dreading it tommorow.
Only as Kate will be saying 'I am aloud days off" bitch! Oh well
I am missing english "oh know"
gotta go by by

9/10 (no school 4 me)

April 2003
It was okay since I didnt go to school
Easter holidays -
watched "Thats so Raven"
My sister said i may b depressed

Snow

2009-02-03T06:34:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, snow was everywhere. It was like a winter wonderland. It seems it was a "snow day" as everything had stopped but I didn't have any plans anyway! I did venture outside to take some photographs though...

Everywhere is still covered in snow but it has turned icy and hard as rock.

It's also interesting to see a cat's footprints in the snow, as you never usually get to see where they are going!

Films

2009-01-02T13:13:00.000-08:00

I went to the Cinema with Mum to see the film “Australia”, Mum thought it was really good and starting crying at points…but I was a bit bored and left unmoved. It was too predictable. I felt like the makers of this film had read “Epic Films For Dummies” before filming it and made sure they included all the essential bits such as:
> Emotive orchestral music
> A few dramatic deaths
> A few dramatic near-deaths
> Romance
> Sexy protagonists
> A love scene
> Walking out of a smokey haze after a dramatic bit
> Impressive stunts and action
> Bad guys
> Kisses in the rain

I watched a film called “Sweet Sixteen” the other day. It was about a boy who had grown up in a rough area of Scotland and also had a rough and poor upbringing and his Mum was going to leave prison the day before his sixteenth birthday. Despite this he was determined to make things right for him and his Mum. He had very noble and honest intentions even though he probably didn’t go about it in the most honest way, it seemed the be the only way he knew how at the time…

I found the film a lot more moving and engaging than “Australia”. It made me think it doesn't need to be a star studded cast, or be a complex story and include compelling music for it to be a good film.

I included the trailers of both films:

Look North

2008-11-18T14:16:00.000-08:00

I was watching Look North this evening and Claire Young of the Apprentice (which I haven't seen) was a guest on the show discussing charity work she has been doing and also some people who have made a Christmas CD to raise money for Bluebell Wood - all good things really.

It really annoyed me as the presenter Christa Ackroyd kept interrupting and asking trivial questions such as "Do you travel first class or economy class?". Then when the male guest is promoting the Christmas CD, he says who wrote it, and Christa responds, "He's quite famous isn't he?".

It seems a question someone who wasn't really interested would say.

Then the female guest begins discussing Bluebell Wood and her time being at the hospice and what a great cause Bluebell Wood is and Christa responds with "You didn't meet Sean Bean did you? Isn't he lovely?"

The final annoying and thoughtless thing was when Claire Young says she isn't having Christmas at home as she is planning Christmas for 1500 children and rather than discussing that, Christa asks her who her celebrity crush is and they begin discussing that!

I dislike Christa now, the stupid woman!

I managed to find it on the BBC website, but I suppose it won't be up for long:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/7736486.stm

Puppy Cam

2008-11-17T15:52:00.000-08:00

I recently stumbled across this: http://cdn1.ustream.tv/swf/4/viewer.45.swf?cid=317016

or if this HTML thing works, this:

It's a live stream of a litter of puppies. I keep going back to it to watch them going about their daily lives. Watching them being alive is so engrossing and fascinating and not to patronise them, but it's also quite sweet!

It's Christmas Soon

2008-11-14T14:22:00.000-08:00

This post might be a bit too early! But oh well...It's Christmas soon. I sense it's Christmas soon as in the supermarket things such as tinsle, christmas cake, and presents are streaming through the checkout. I'm not religious but do I accept and send presents and eat lots of food. For people who are religious it's celebrating Jesus' birthday-if you didn't know that boys and girls. I have been reflecting on past Christmasses, and Christmas day is always dull and quiet in my house.

People see Christmas as CHRISTMAS DAY and everything before it is the administrative work in preparation for the big day but I think the most fun of it is what is before Christmas. My favourite bits of this commercial holiday are:

christmas cards
buying and wrapping presents
baking food
christmas songs and carols
brass bands
having "it's christmas soon" conversations with people
writing "it's christmas soon" blogs
decorations - tinsle, fairy lights, festive ornaments
looking at people's decorated and glowing houses

I have already started listening to Christmas songs, I am getting into the spirit rather early.

My Favourite Ways To Relax

2008-11-14T13:34:00.001-08:00

I think relaxing is quite important. I only work part-time most of the time so you would think I get plenty of time to do so, and I do, but I don't often feel so. Right now I feel awkward and brittle.

My favourite ways to relax are:

Having a bath - I think like many others, the moment you sink into the water something is released and you tingle and whatever guard or brittleness you had dissolves in the water. It's a really great luxury as I have only had a bath in my house for a few years and so never got to have them before. Afterwards I always feel fresh. My 4 year old neice enjoys baths, in her words..."I like baths; I like being nice and clean." I agree with this and something bath lovers will all relate to and understand.

Watching a film - For me personally I find going to the cinema quite relaxing as the big darkened room is an escape from the real world. If you go to the Cinema in the afternoontime it's really good as there are never many people there...sometimes if there are a lot of people there crinkling wrappers and stuff, it makes me the opposite of relaxed.

Craft-y type things - Anything which you can lose yourself in is very relaxing. I have recently started drawing and painting, and even though I'm not "good" I don't mind at all as I like doing it regardless of the result which is something that makes it enjoyable and relaxing. If I was worried about the result I would find it the opposite. I worry quite a lot of the time - and having something to concentrate on relieves my mind of most thoughts as I can just think about the task at hand.

holiday in blackpool

2008-10-31T11:04:00.001-07:00

I went to Blackpool quite a while ago now. I had a nice time, however my Mother and Grandmother get on my wick after a bit. The worst bit was catching a horrendous cold and I especially disliked the symptoms of coughing, sneezing, eyes streaming and difficulty breathing. I liked the hotel though as they had nice breakfasts.

My Mum went to see a clair-voyant who told her future to her, it was quite expensive, £30! and then Mum ran and put a her special numbers that the clair-voyant gave her on the lottery, but she didn't win anything unfortunately.

I walked up and down the pier and went on a few trams but didn't really get to do much else, however I bought loads of Daniel O Donnell memorabilia which I love as I'm such a big fan.

Here are a few photographs that I took...

Working Life

2008-10-26T11:15:00.000-07:00

October 18th was my anniversary for working a year in the Supermarket. When I first started the job, I was so pleased I was in employment and also so happy that I enjoyed the job. I didn't feel utterly consumed, physically and emotionally, and I loved working and earning money...It was my first job.

I attempted two other jobs before this which were horrible - one was working in Hollywood Bowl. I was in the kitchen. I remember standing around all day feeling emotionally on edge. I started at 12pm and finished at 8pm on a Sunday and I went for my break about 6. I sat there eating my banana in an empty room. It was really awful and it scared me that This Is What The Real World Is Like. I sobbed on the walk home and then not quite ready for that real world, didn't go back.

I then got another job in Mcdonalds which was even worse. I was paired with this awful boy and I had to lift boxes that were too heavy for me and he liked bossing me around and also commenting on the women's breasts who drove through the drive-thru. I started crying after the first hour and then left my Uniform there and told the manager that this job isn't for me.

Since I lived with my parents it wasn't crucial I had a job and it just makes me think of how awful it must be to have to do a job you hate.

Even though there are probably loads of better jobs out there I do enjoy it mostly, in comparison to what I felt in my previous jobs. I actually find it more enjoyable than when I was in education strangely! In education I was always filled with a lethargy when I was there and when I'd finished and hated the endless lingering feeling that I had work to do. In the supermarket I mostly feel alert and feel productive and I don't have to do P.E.

Well, I don't really want to work in a supermarket forever but I am not sure what else I should do just yet..I'm so indecisive and it's tricky working it out.

Death comes at the oddest of times

2008-10-12T09:59:00.000-07:00

I haven't much experience with death - I've never lost anyone close to me.

I was browsing Facebook and discovered a group and a girl who attended my school died 2 weeks ago from an epileptic attack. She was only nineteen, the same age as I. I knew her but not that well, I once attended the Cinema with her to see the film "Honey"

It seems so tragic because she was so young and according to the group she is a mother as well. She couldn't have done that much with her life - She was quiet at school and was bullied. It seems sad that she was bullied at school, became pregnant to a little girl and now her life has ended abruptly at nineteen.

When someone dies who you aren't close to it still affects you somewhat and reminds you that death is very much intertwined with life and when it happens it just means they are no longer there anymore and that is that, there is no relief, an endless swirling black hole. I mean, I can only imagine really.

I have no idea how I would feel or would react if someone close to me died, it does seem unthinkable but it is inevitable.

It makes you think that life is for living and death isn't always so far away.

Weight Watchers

2008-10-11T10:05:00.000-07:00

I have been going to Weight Watchers for about 4 months. I have always been quite fat and always been incredibly unhappy about it! I gained weight due to eating too much, obviously, but I always enjoyed eating as I found it very comforting. At times, I long to stuff my face with things I really should stay away from, and luckily for the most part, I do stay away from them...

Before, it was a real battle with food as I always equated food with mood. When I was happy, I liked eating to emphasize that happiness and when I was sad I liked eating to make me feel better. Afterwards, I was always disgusted with myself...and I was endlessly attempting to lose weight. It was no way to live.

I weighed 13 stone and half a pound when I first began Weight Watchers. The photograph below was what I recieved when I lost 10% of my body weight - which was 18lbs. Altogether now, I have lost 26.5lbs.

Now I have lost this weight I can fit into nicer clothes and I find myself making the effort to look nice. It was never like that before as the only way to deal with how I looked was through ignorance. Shopping when you're overweight is always frustrating as sizes don't go very high and even then I found it depressing discovering however expensive or nice it looked, it wouldn't look that nice on me.

I really feel fairly different now. I used to hate looking at myself in mirrors and shop windows and now I feel alright about it.

I don't think that people who aren't the 'normal' weight can't look nice as I think everyone is attractive in their own way . I never thought people who were "fat" weren't attractive. I just couldn't see myself as attractive, I just didn't feel I suited the 'plump' look. I have quite a small chest. And a protruding stomach and little chest just looks strange - it made me think I am not meant to be like this and look this way.

When you attend Weight Watchers you have to line up and wait to be weighed. Once it's your turn you usually take your shoes off, and if you think it has been a bad week you end up taking your glasses/earrings/cardigans off in the hope that will make a difference. Mostly women go (to mine) but there are a few men also. Then you have to pay - which I find humorous as every time I always end up in an embarrasing situation with the woman that deals with payments. For example...

Woman: How much have you lost love?
Me: 2lbs
Woman: 4lbs! That's right good!
Me: No..just 2lbs.

or

Woman: You've done right well you! How many stones is it...5?
Me: No...
Woman: 4? 3? 2?
Me: Just over 1!

Long pause.

Oh well..at least she is friendly!

They also have a shop where they sell different Weight Watchers products which you can't buy in shops such as crisps, chocolate bars, cookery books, sweets.

Then you can also stay for the meeting in which the leader discusses various things relating to weight loss and Weight Watchers...

I really like going to Weight Watchers as it's a supportive environment and the "diet" itself doesn't feel like a diet, as you can eat what you want. So if anyone was considering losing weight, then I highly recommend Weight Watchers.

What's in my bag...

2008-10-08T14:23:00.000-07:00

Jenny Adamthwaite in her blog From The Living Room tagged me to show what is in my handbag! She said because I was looking for things to write about and I guess I am!

As you can see, the majority of the contents of my bag are typical bag-stuff; keys, purse, various crap like reciepts. I quite like my pink hello kitty purse; inside it is a picture of my neice and nephew, more reciepts, and bank, id, top-up, student cards.

My notebook, monthly pass, and the thing you can see with two "7"s on are all Weight Watchers related as I use the notebook to write down how many points I have had during the day (I am allowed 20). Also, the monthly pass is just what I use as I don't pay to go to weekly meetings but they take it out of my bank. The thing with the two "7"s on is a record of how much I have lost so far.

I also have a film in my bag as I am waiting to develop it in the darkroom on Friday.

My new purchase are my gloves and I've needed them sooner than I anticipated! I really love my gloves as they are fingerless but also have a mitten-top, so I don't have to take them off for doing things which is good and when it's cold I can put on the mitten-top.

Also, I really like my bag which my sister found whilst we were in a charity shop. She gave it to me but I think it is worth quite a lot as this girl at college asked me if I queud up for my bag and I had no idea what she was on about. Perhaps it is a fake..I wouldn't know the difference but it's still very real in the sense it's not a plastic bag. :P

Also if you look closely there is a cinema ticket for the film 'How to Lose Friends and Alienate People' (which was ok) and a wrapper for a chocolate bar...

So that is what is in my bag, the end!

Photography Course

2008-10-05T11:23:00.000-07:00

Well I've started a photography course. I decided to enrol on a course as I enjoy photography but I am frustrated with my lack of technical knowledge of the camera. In my class there is a diverse range of ages, I am perhaps the youngest in the class. I have been learning about cameras and how to use the darkroom. It's all rather exciting! The process of taking pictures and developing becomes so much more fascinating when you are in control of every part of it.

I take pictures with my digital camera, but there is something more satisfying about this. With digital photography it is so instant, that I take for granted whatever image appears. It doesn't feel like it is my image. It's just something I have captured, not created.

Another reason I enjoy my photography class is it's good being with different people. I don't really have any friends in Sheffield anymore, and so being with other human beings is good for me. It is strange, as I feel more settled than I ever did when I was studying for my A Levels. Everyone is so friendly and wants to talk.

I feel like the camera makes sense to me now rather than a foreign language.

Doesn't it go dark early?

2008-10-05T10:05:00.000-07:00

I have been neglecting my blog. I asked my Mum what I should write in in it and she had 4 suggestions:

1) The photography course I am on
2) That I've joined Weight Watchers and lost quite a lot of weight
3) I'm going on holiday soon to Blackpool
4) It was Grandma's 77th birthday the other day and she got 25 birthday cards

Perhaps I should blog about the first two and not the latter two.

Dreams can come true

2008-08-28T07:23:00.000-07:00

In a way dreams are quite amazing. The way they can bring you to the brim of an emotion and momentarily send you to the cliff edge of it. For example, when I have dreamt about someone in a certain way and awoken with a sense of longing for them that I never had before, waking up saddened when I have dreamt someone has died or feel very disturbed when I'm staring into a mirror with my eye sockets cemented in.

Last night I had a traumatic and vivid dream. I was going to have a baby and my water's broke.
I wanted to keep the baby and an abortion at the same time. An abortion seemed so brutal and sad but a living creature inside me seemed so foreign and strange. I felt very gloomy about having a baby and an overwhelming sense of ruining my life!

I woke up thinking if I am going to be so torn about having a child and feel thoughts like that then maybe I am not ready for children and should be extremely careful in potential children-creating activities but that's not something I have to worry about currently and I have no plans for motherhood anyway. I'm not sure if that reaction and feeling I felt was exactly true to life but it is funny how alive dreams can feel, it is like some sort of virtual reality, putting you in a situation you have not yet been in. I daydream quite a lot and get lost in my imagination sometimes but it never feels as alive as a dream.

On Blogging

2008-08-16T02:18:00.000-07:00

I like and admire blogs of a confessional, open nature. It must take courage to write those sort of entries - being open to the world, unknowing of the responses. I like how you can find out about people living their lives-sharing the moments, experiences, thoughts, and feelings that one might never find out about. Blogging about things that I myself will never experience or really ever properly understand. But also reading about the everyday moments that I and many people experience daily.

Blogs that aren't especially confessional and not rooted in the person themself specifically, a bit like a newspaper article-format I think can be interesting. It is as if the fragments of the blogger you find in their entries and the shadows they create make them quite intriguing also.

My blog seems to fall into the latter catagory. One of the reasons for this is because I do very little and my life doesn't contain that many blog-worthy entries. Haaha....what a bleak ending.

hedge-hogging the CD player

2008-08-14T12:47:00.000-07:00

I have previously blogged about a local hedgehog that I occasionally see.

Today he was asleep in the garage, nestled behind a cd player. He looks snug, I thought to myself, but on reflection it seems that he was stuck rather than snug!

My dad tried to get the hedgehog out but he seemed quite firmly entangled in the holes of the CD player - I think it was his claw that was also entangled. He curled up in a little ball when he was touched, but he still remained attached. Eventually, he was delicately tugged out and layed on the ground, but he still remained in his little ball.

It made me sad for the hedgehogs that live in the man-made world - the busy roads and unkind humans. They are defenceless as their instinct to roll into a ball becomes mostly useless.

See you soon babe

2008-08-09T12:08:00.000-07:00

as I was at my friend's flat, my friend discovered some letters and postcards in the loft - I think it was a few different people writing to a boy called Trayen. He must have lived there years ago as the letters were dated around '97.

The letters and postcards are quite brief and simple, and also very informal and colloquial in places. I think it's an interesting glimpse into this person's life, as you can only guess their relationship from this fragmented correspondance, they will always remain a dark silhouette...

trayen, baby how ya doin'? I'm sitting in a bar in Greece. Actually I looking after the bar while the manager plays pool. It's beautiful out here. I get free drinks because I'm helping behind the bar. The place on the front is where we go at night somteimes. I'll call you when I get home. I love you babe. Love Georgia xxx

-
Dear Trayen, I hope you are well and not too stressed about your exams and stuff. Things are swinging on as usual here, and it's all pretty peaceful really. I really miss Jess at the moment though I've not seen her since the last week and in December I probably will have called before you read this because it's bank holiday sunday

I'm sitting on a park bench by the river and all these couples keep walking past holding hands, it's making me feel nauseatingly single

See you soon babe

Emma xxx

-
"When In Rome" (Dedicated to Trayen)

When I see you in the morning
Putting on your pretty clothes
I watch you do your makeup
Like they do in all those fashion shows
And you go away and your gone all day
but your coming home to night.
But when your home, darling all you've got to be is you
But when in rome do as the romans do.

I like that they are quite blande and ordinary - they aren't gut wrenching love letters or deeply revealing

What Ladies Converse About

2008-07-10T13:20:00.001-07:00

The other day, I was with playing with my neice Daisy of 4 years of age and texting my friend Daisy of 18 years of age, simultaneously. Daisy, my neice, was quite curious about what I was doing and quite interested when she discovered exactly what it was.

Daisy: What are ya doin?
Me: Texting my friend, she's called Daisy like you!
*Look of surprise and fascination appears on her face*
Daisy:.....What does her dress look like?

Aw

Hedgehog Happenings

2008-07-07T14:31:00.001-07:00

The only thoughts and things interesting enough to write about are animal-related.

Alfie popped over today, having a roam about my room and a nap on the windowsill. I like how he comes over to get some peace and quiet and to relax. Alfie is a lovely creature specifically but I generally enjoy the company of cats because there is no judgement and no expectation, and all they want is a sleep, some food and to be stroked. So simple and easy. So pleasant and delightful.

Also, there is a local hedgehog who I have only come across recently. I came home one night a few weeks ago to discover the hedgehog munching on some cat biscuits that were left outside, and then it ran away rather quickly! I saw the hedgehog again earlier today. I managed to take a picture and the hedgehog was acting strange as it was so still and staring in one spot for ages...Polly was prancing around in the background, the hedgehog didn't seem to mind.

New Life

2008-06-20T13:49:00.001-07:00

A few weeks ago at the cat shelter I was cleaning one of the rooms which had a Mum in, Cleo, and her daughter of 6 months, Bonnie. Cleo was pregnant and she quietly gave birth to one of her kittens whilst I was cleaning the room. A lovely and special thing, I thought and still think. I felt honoured to have been there at the time. Afterward Cleo gave birth, Bonnie went and curled up with Mum and her new sibling. I only witnessed one kitten - as apparently sometimes cats won't give birth to the rest til the next day.

I returned to the cat shelter and Cleo had 3 kittens altogether. When I entered their room, I discovered them in their basket cuddling up together. They are mostly black so they almost blur into one other. Bonnie kept going over to give them a lick, as I was told that if the older siblings are around, they help raise the young. It's very sweet and touching to watch. I think when being with kittens you cannot help but be overwhelmed with their playful innocence, their implicit trust in you, and preciousness.

Big sister Bonnie looking after her new siblings:

Party in Skegness

2008-06-15T15:43:00.000-07:00

I love Flickr as you can browse through so many different photographs of all sorts of places, things, stuff.

As a child, I used to visit Chapel St. Leonards yearly, which is quite close to Skegness-the seaside, chips, the repetative songs that blare out of arcades, market stalls selling sticks of rock and I Love Skeggy keyrings.

For nostalgic purposes, I searched "Skegness" on Flickr. I came across these really interesting photographs and it reminded me of the magic a photograph can hold. "Old photographs" seem to have a mystical quality about them. They way they capture a time and how you can see how much things have changed.

I wonder if in 20 years time I will feel the same feeling looking at photographs taken today.

I look at these photographs and they are capturing a moment. It is something about how every snap taken had to be developed with no clue what they would look like and no option to disregard a dodgy one. And after, they may sit in a frame, in a photograph album or hidden away in a drawer but not many people would see them.

Sometimes with pictures I see today, on Facebook and whatnot, it feels like the moment is the taking the picture, and whatever is happening inside that picture is irrelivant. I browse Facebook and I see many samey drunken photographs, self-taken photographs, lots of smiling faces and it feels too self conscious, as if they are not connoting a good time but "Hello, I am very normal and appearing on Facebook"

Anyway, these photographs are posted by a man trying to find the names of the people in them: "40 + years ago I was in Skegness for the summer season as an assistant manager with Woolworths. I took these photos at a party in my flat on Drummond Road. I remember the faces, but the names escape me ... does anyone know? They will all be in their mid-60s now."

They look full of happiness and romance, who knows what life was holding for them:

Bedtime

2008-06-08T14:22:00.000-07:00

Polly is delicate, ladylike and quite small. It adds to her preciousness and how delicate and small she is was magnified after Alfie had been here yesterday. I kept awaking last night every few hours for a few minutes, for unknown reasons, and I didn't mind as Polly was there, so peaceful, so asleep.

Alfie followed me in today. He sauntered around the house and then went upstairs. He slept on my bed and as I was sitting with him a thud of tiredness hit me and I fell asleep too.

I managed to take some pictures of Alfie before and after my nap. He looks so peaceful. :(

Alfet

2008-06-07T13:30:00.000-07:00

Alfie is such good company. It is a warm feeling I get when I am walking up the street to find Alfie waiting for me. Today as I came home from work I discovered him sitting on my fence and then he followed me inside my house for some food, attention and a nap.

How big you are, I thought to myself, as he stretched out whilst he was sleeping. I was squished on the end of the settee as he took over half of it up.

Polly isn't very fond of Alfie. She ranges from reserved and awkward to vicious and angry when he is near. It might be something to do with fact he is in her house, but he is harmless. I recently found out Alfie is a M a i n e C o o n cat and according to Wikipedia they are colloquially known as "gentle giants" and that is so true with him.

He is handsome, quiet, patient and loving. He has smooth and thick fur, which smells like the outside air in a musty way, and one of my favourite things are his big and chunky paws. He likes attention and being fussed over.

Polly is slightly different. She is more independant and has my endless affections, love and guidance and so she never has to want for it. I don't mind though. Someone once said to me that cats need you more when they're older, and I think that's true, and so I am happy she is enjoying her youth sitting on sheds and running through bushes.

The English Dream

2008-06-01T11:12:00.000-07:00

Sat with Mum the other evening watching Britain's Got Talent. It didn't have my full attention but I felt really blue watching it. There is something so lonely about loud cheering and endless clapping. Booing and hissing. Ringing up and voting. Britain's Got More Talent on ITV2. Emptiness and loneliness.

It looks like a distorted view of happiness people have - as if people have been told this is what it is to be successful. The lightbulbs, the audience, being on the telly. Glaring into the screen saying "I want this more than anything" and begging to be saved.

Someone once said to me "If you could be famous just like that, wouldn't you want to be?"

Confetti rained on everyone once the winner was announced

And then once they have won it will just be more clapping and loud music and more eye squinting lightbulbs.

I know some people need a platform to "make it" but those brutal yet empty television shows like that should not be the way to do it.

The Quiet Footsteps of Loneliness

2008-05-23T12:11:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about loneliness. It is almost a mythical thing unless someone tells you that they are experiencing loneliness. It's not really a condition but it's sad. At the same time it's subtle and delicate, it creeps and doesn't make a lot of noise.

I feel the physical way the brain deals with loneliness is kind in a way. The way sometimes you pass out if you are in too much pain or fall asleep from crying so much.

If you are feeling and experiencing loneliness you start to forget what real friendships felt like, the thought and feeling of them dulls, until you can't remember them too much - the immediacy of it is taken away, extracted, slowly seeped out . You're happy with watching TV at night, maybe you have a hobby like collecting trains or reading. All of these physical things become friends. A good tv show is a nice chat. A book can feel like a warm embrace. Trains whizzing around may fill you with the excitement of a kiss. Holidays and weekends aren't long enough for you to dwell on the loneliness too much. Work is so much of a drain that the evening seeps luxury not emptiness.

It is only sometimes, in an extra quiet moment, you truly engage with the loneliness itself. When distractions are taken away, when you have to touch the centre of the ache. I think a lot of people are lonely. If I am walking home from work at night I glance in windows and the erratic light of the television is flickering on people's faces, just about every single house this is happening. I say this with a detachment but if they walked past my window they would probably see the glare of it on mine.

I have made a really good friend recently and I only realised how lonely I was only after this friendship was conceived. I wasn't desperately lonely but that's because I feel my brain numbed to the desolate nature of my life, the loneliness just became a gentle thud.

Euphoric Fear

2008-05-16T03:50:00.000-07:00

It is strange. Before an event I cannot contemplate it happening, I don't seem to feel excitement subsequently and I am not filled with much wonder.

Throughout my exams at college I hardly did revision as I never believed the exams were real. They always felt dream-like. If I were to turn up for my exams and they said I am imagining things, I think I would have believed them. I think it was something to do with euphoric fear. Exams can be quite scary things, so much so that they seem from another world. This could be my brain's escape route.

I am going to see "Sleuth" at the theatre this evening but it is just a thought. I don't look forward to it, I don't wonder what will happen, whether it will be good. The thought is vague and misty, at the back of my head and it will stay there.

I seem to only to appreciate things properly in the aftermath. I look back and become filled with appreciation and happiness at the nice events that have happened. Although the past doesn't really exist, it feels more solid than the present and future. Maybe everyone experiences things like this, I just haven't spoken to anyone about it. :P

The whole of life seems a dream, it is so real and realistic, that it must be more of the dream world than the real world.

Quiet Friendships

2008-05-05T17:00:00.000-07:00

Quiet friendships. What I love about these friendships is the way they glow. They are without words, without the same formalities as other friendships, just a silent feeling. It is similar to the feeling one gets when they hold a hamster or a small creature; the intensity of it; how delicate and small but overwhelmingly precious.

It began when I was working Wednesday and Thursday nights. After I had finished I walked under the black sky to the bustop to go home. My bus took a little time to come and before it did, another bus arrived and five people got off and waited with me for the bus. Four were male and one was female.

Every week this happened. The same five people. I wondered where they were going to or coming from at this hour and it must be something rather specific since every week we all caught the bus at the same time. Like lions roaming the pavement, probably just like myself: Restless in the cold, sharp air. Looking at their watches and the sky. Staring at their shoes and gazing at the bright river of cars.

When the bus finally arrived they tended to rush on before me, even though I arrived first (I didn't mind, though). But the one girl always made a point to let me on first. She would take a step back and gesture to me to get on the bus, making the other people wait until I had, if she managed to get to the front first. She would smile and then I.

For the next few weeks, this would happen often. She would always let me get on before her and I thankyoud her with a smile. She had brown curly hair and looked exempt from any sort of fashion which made her even more alluring and mysterious. She wore a backpack, blue jeans, a black jumper and Dr. Martin's shoes.

I would get off the bus before everyone else which left me always wondering where they were going to or coming from. On the bus everyone would stare into the middle distance, lost in thought possibly, or staring out of the window into the night. I have never heard her voice or any one of the other's, but this friendship remains precious to me all the same.

Shop Work

2008-05-02T16:03:00.000-07:00

Working in a Supermarket can be a bland experience, glaring at the tick of the clock as the time doesn't pass. But it is not the worst job. There are certain elements which are fascinating and scary. Things which seep in between the general thud of working.

The fact that it's a sociable job is one reason I enjoy it. The potential for a conversation with a complete stranger is rather exciting and many are very talkative. Customers being horrible is sometimes true, but many I find to be very nice.

The majority of people I work with are very nice too. There is someone my age I think, who also works with me, and if he's on the till in front or behind I can hear him ask every customer "How has your day been today?" with a variance of "What are you upto this weekend?", over and over he repeats with the same enthusiasm each time. I admire his friendly and open nature and some customers sound a little surprised that someone would ask such a straight-forward question about their day.

Sometimes I'm really open and sometimes a little shy. It flows in waves like the tide coming in and out. I can't control it and I surprise myself when I speak to customers with such ease and openness and then become frustrated that I couldn't accept their invitations for conversations such as Huge Sighs and "That's a good offer, isn't it?" or "Just getting a few holiday bits"

One thing I find fascinating is that I feel I've discovered all of the people I would never usually see or be around - the nine to five workers, girlfriends and boyfriends kissing whilst queing,
people from other countries who haven't learned english, young mums and dads, older mums and dads. I have never really integrated with them before and now I do all the time
for a brief moment.

I have started to become fond of some of the regular customers. There is an old lady who looks quite sweet. She wears a long mustard yellow coat and wears a cat brooch. Her
shopping bag is covered in cats as well. She always buys cat food and I am always tempted to speak about cats with her, but she seems a very quiet and peaceful lady tottering along.

There is also an old man who comes to my till a lot. He speaks of how he lost his wife and how hard it is for him. He must be quite lonely now because every time he returns he will tell me again.

The one element I find scary is IDing people. It is now Challenge 25 which is difficult, considering Challenge 21 was a challenge for me. I ID some young looking woman and she turns out to be in her thirties. People in their twenties sound offended and shocked to be asked and then exclaim their age in a "you are being ridiculous" type way. I have started to mind less however, and many people are okay with id-ing. Sometimes I ID late thirties people and they are over the moon.

Supermarkets for most people are very in-between places. A stop-off before continuing with the rest of one's actual life, filled with deep emotion and profound experiences. But sometimes I wonder whether going to the Supermarket is the most significant and sociable part of the day for some people. The offers. The small talk. Being asked "Do you want any help packing?". Four for a pound. Reduced to clear. Free samples. Mix and match. Far more interactive and alive than a television. A nightclub for the lonely.

Irrational Thoughts

2008-04-23T03:03:00.000-07:00

When my brain has a lot of time to think, when my thoughts tumble over each other and interweave and roam through the night endlessly, I usually end up bumping into some irrational ones. Argh they are frustrating. Knowing that they're not true and feeling that they aren't true seem to be two different things completely.

Well last night I was trying to go to sleep and I started to worry that my brain would wake up whilst I was sleeping. This tends to happen as I've blogged about previously but I've never "feared" this happening before. I thought about what a suffocating yet helpless situation it is, it seems something like a coma-like state and what if my body never awoke. What if they buried me and my brain is still alive? What a scary situation having to experience death as a living person.

I think it's something about being awake in the nighttime that provokes these thoughts as it feels like the rest of the country is asleep, so it makes you feel somewhat detached and unplugged from reality.

Reading this back, it seems ridiculous. But I suppose everyone worries more than they should over certain things.

I'd rather be cool than nice.

2008-04-16T16:32:00.001-07:00

I was waiting in line to purchase some dvds from one of those shops where you can sell your dvds and electricals for money, and as I was waiting a man walks in and hands his CV to one of the assistants. Thanks, she said. And then he left the shop.

She gives it to some man in the back but the door was open, so I could see clearly. Man-in-back looks inquisitive for a second. After the assistant and man-in-back exchange a few words, he slowly screws up the CV. I could see it in slow-motion as it happened, and then they started laughing joyfully.

How Nice, I thought to myself.

I remember when I was unemployed and looking for a job. I used to find it quite difficult going into places and handing in things and asking for things, but I did it. Most of the time. Quite often.....sometimes. I would catch the bus into town and get inside the place I was applying for and feel too distressed to hand it in and run back out again and just go home...

So what I'm saying is, that person didn't see you doing that, but it might have been an emotional hurdle doing so, and you doing that adds to the disheartening situation.

It seems some people gain much more satisfaction and pleasure from appearing clever and hip rather than friendly. They happily sacrifice niceness for the other.

Contentment

2008-04-15T07:34:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling quite peaceful today. Birds are tweeting, and the grey sky is sitting nicely above the backs of houses and cranes and a knocked down tree as the wind blows in through my bedroom window..

This made me think of contentment...I was going to say I am "overcome" with it but then I thought: is it something you are overcome with, does it blanket over all of your other emotions leaving you feeling at ease for that moment..or is it something beneath your other emotions. All of your feelings and distressing thoughts, an endless mound of rubble, and if you manage to dig past to the bottom you will disover the smooth surface of contentment?

Or it may just be down to interpretation of your situation. It might not be underneath the inner you or something that lays over you. Some people may endlessly feel content because they never think to want anything else other than what life has given them and just take things as they come.

Arghh, just as I finished this post it started hailing and now there are no clouds in the sky.

Rest in Peace, Mark

2008-04-14T04:53:00.000-07:00

I have just been listening to the radio and the tv presenter of SMART has died, Mark Speight. What a tragic thing to happen. I used to watch Smart quite often when I was younger and then began watching Smarteenies when my nephew was born.

He always seemed a fun and caring big brother sort of person. Of course being a children's tv presenter relies on you being overly happy to a fake extent but he did seem a nice person.

It's just sad how he probably felt like there was no hope left when he did this. I don't know what's worse: dying when you were happily bopping along living, or commiting suicide when you were filled with nothing but suffocating despair.

2008-04-11T13:04:00.000-07:00

Words are delicious

2008-04-11T12:07:00.000-07:00

I make lists of all the words I don’t know on a pending list to find their meaning and lately, all of the words I am discovering are sounding delicious. Maybe it's because I'm quite hungry..they sound like you could eat them....anyway. I'm not quite sure how I will squidge them into conversations, though.

These words are from the book “the Shipping News” by E. Annie Proulx (you can find them in other places as well)

Words:

Phantasmagoria
Ingratiatingly
Elusive
Sumptuous
Prodigious
Ostentatiously
Overwraught
Nonpariel
Evasion
Portent
Asunder
Allusion

Yum yum.

New Friend

2008-04-09T07:47:00.001-07:00

I have made a new friend called Alfie. He strides upto me with an eagerness when I am leaving the house and lays on his back for me to tickle him and then when I return to the house he follows me upto my door and insists on coming inside and staying for tea (he eats Polly's biscuits). To get him to leave I have to give him more biscuits but he is very friendly nonetheless.

Sleep Paralysis

2008-04-09T07:17:00.000-07:00

I have this quite often. It is a strange experience. At first I thought it was like Lucid Dreaming, which is it occasionally, but I find it to be very suffocating and restricting. I have noticed that I get it when I fall asleep during the day and then go to sleep at night.

It is a bizarre experience and I would be worried if I could be, but I feel calm and nonchalent when I am in this state, as if feelings are cut off.

Many times it feels like I'm floating or falling down a tunnel. I try to wake up but it feels like the dreamworld is dragging me back down. Sometimes I float to the top of my head and my body feels so heavy and lifeless and I can't move it or wake myself up.

Dreaming

2008-04-02T15:38:00.000-07:00

When I am in control of my dreams,
which happens more often,
feels more real, and intense,
than my real life
I dream I can fly
I tell my brain
"Jenny, you can fly now"
and I do.
You may think I'm lying
Some sort of metaphor or
cliched poetic technique
but quite simply
it is true.

Wallflower

2008-03-24T13:06:00.000-07:00

Voyeur;
"A person who derives sexual gratification from observing the naked bodies or sexual acts of others, especially from a secret vantage point."

I like people watching and I like to know about them, from a distance. We may just be acquantences or sometimes I don't even know the person yet I want to know details of all of these people. I want to know what they had for tea and what films they like and where they're holidaying this year.

I also like reading random blogs, but I tend to enjoy personal blogs about their lives more rather than blogs written like newspapers.

I suppose this people watching stems from loneliness. I want some friends and I peek in on these people's lives to fill in the cracks of my own. But it's definitely nothing sexual!

Is there an appropriate word for this?

Ebbing Away

2008-03-23T13:26:00.000-07:00

I understand Their and There. I know what context they need to be used in and I understand why. But lately, I have been getting them mixed up in a non-thinking way. These days, apart from poems and shopping lists, I do the majority of writing on a computer and I think it is a case of my hands thinking faster than my brain.

When I was at college, I was so aware of similes and metaphors and adjectives and nouns and euphemisms. I used to know a lot more and it used to stream from me effortlessly. Now I seem to have forgotten many things, as if my educated self is disappearing and my education is slowly ebbing away.

At college, the thing I liked about it was how it opened my mind. I felt as if I was narrow minded to the world before and through college it opened the eyes in my mind and now I am more aware of everything and most significantly aware of how much there is I know nothing about.